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Looking For Input On A Short Story Project

 
Looking For Input On A Short Story Project

This idea actually originated as part of an application process for a game here on The Weave. The GM suggested that I should expand on the original extract. At the moment I like the way it's shaping up but would love some input from the community. My goal here is to expand this (roughly page long) extract into a short story. If I ever get around to finishing it, I may make a campaign out of the setting.

It's science-fiction. A genre which I am well versed in. It's also about fairy prostitutes. -cough-

The tone is definitely dark. Well... I can talk about it all day... Here. Read... See what you think. And tell me about it.


Looks less like prostitute and more like slave/concubine... these aren't rentals, they're purchases, since apparently no one's coming back to let them know what's going on.

So... few points to make. This kind of trafficking wouldn't happen in some street in the industrial district. If illegal, it'd happen underground in a dark room.

If legal... well... ever been to a car dealership? It'd be exactly like that.

And unless these pixies are human sized, a person would have to get rather close to them. So in a way, it'd be a lot like a pet shop.


The scene you're trying to paint... making it look like modern inner-city prostitution... does not work at all. Too banal and generic. Either do it in a display room, done up with fake backgrounds and fake habitats that are suppose to look like a pixie's natural environment. Or do it in an industrially sterile display room where the pixies are marched out to be gawked at for a few minutes and then sent back into the back room to await a decision. Y'know, like a child (re: not infant) adoption agency.


Also, you need some more paragraph breaks in your writing. But it was a good read, so I didn't lock on that too much.





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