But the experiment is being run by a former mathematician, so as soon as the zombies have you cornered he stops the whole thing, shouting, "Right, and the rest has been demonstrated elsewhere!"

I rot my brain playing video games.

But the games you play are brain-builders, like Sudoku and Chess. Your brain not only doesn't rot, it actually gets stronger!!!!!!!!

I am eaten alive by the Kraken. I am digested slowly and painfully over the course of a month.

But the kraken has diahrea, so you manage to leave his system in approximately three days.

I run affoul of Hannibal Lector.

But you remembered to bring the chianti! Hannibal is impressed and decides to eat someone else.

I am that someone else, a lowly and unnamed prison guard.

Just before Lecter eats you, the director yells "CUT!! Why is that guy on our set?!? Get him outta here!!" You are booted off the set, with an autograph from Anthony Hopkins.

I am slaughtered by a deadly and prolific serial killer!

The serial killer had already cut all your fingers and toes when the door is kicked open by Derek Morgan from Criminal Mind who rushes in and unload his gun in the serial killer's torso. Due to your missing fingers and toes, you are comforted by Jennifer Jareau.

I'm kissed by a Naiad and I drown on my couch while watching too much TV.

But the girl you're canoodling with on the couch turns out to be a dryad who happily absorbs all the water and gets two inches taller to boot.

I am miniaturized to 25 mm scale and crushed by a swiftly rolling metal twenty-sided die.

Or so you thought, but then you realize that 25 mm is equal to 2.5 cm and a d20 only has 1.5 cm of diameter, hence not being big enough to crush you, however it still knocks you to the ground and it makes you feel pretty silly when you see that the number standing on the top of the dice is a 1. You fail your reflex check, but since you are a rogue you only take half-damage.

I accidentally slip into a container full of radioactive wastes and suffer a horrible death due to radiation poisoning.

The radiation isn't done with you though, and a few hours later you wake up with awesome super powers.


My car breaks down while driving through the desert, and I have no cell phone. Dehydration and heat stroke occur.

Which makes you delirious enough to believe that you have died, but you were rescued and are safely in a hospital bed.



I jump off a building into a bed of nails.