I using my god powers bring you back as a ghost trapped inside a skull with the name Margorie. But when you speak your voice sounds like Bobcat Goldwaith. You also can see but not feel anything.

I get called out by Zeus and Poseidon who are unhappy with me and they kill me.

Fortunately, killing a god - even a minor one - is just as hard as it sounds like it would be. Shortly after dying, your spirit reaches the underworld and is directed to the river Styx. Upon reaching it, you notice a waterwheel being used to power some sort of strange mill. As soon as you approach the waterwheel, a bolt of energy arcs from the mill to your spirit, fully restoring your life...

through the power of...

Deus Ex Machina.

Upon reading that horrible pun, one of the other forum-goers hunts me down and kills me. Painfully.

Unfortunately, that forum-goer is stopped by the Pun Protection Police, an organization that prevents retribution for awful, awful puns. A Pun Punishment Modron pops out of the Ethereal Plane and does battle with them shortly afterwards, causing an immense firefight that makes the evening news.

I am caught in the crossfire of said firefight, when a bullet ricochets into the sky and comically hits a bird, which falls on me, impaling me with its sharp beak.

1000 years later, the world goes down hill and they trace back the problems to the point in time when ch00_bakka died. Some time travellers decide that in order to put the world to right they must travel back in time to that point and keep ch00_bakka alive. By utilising advanced technology from their own time period they manage to regenerate your wounds instantaneously. It truly is a miracle to behold, especially when you find out that your death actually led the world to destruction.

Unfortunately, as they travel back to their home time, I somehow get pulled in to their vortex where I end up back in the time of the dinosaurs where a T-Rex eats me.

But as it gobbles you up into it's mouth a lone stranger named Queststar appears and the dinosaur spits you out. You find out Queststar is a group of aliens called DinoRiders with telepathy and have dinosaur mounts. They befriend you and you become one of them. Getting a Pterodactyl to ride.

Back in Modern times my army of Terminators are ripping my limbs off.
-Shane

Fortunately, they rip them off in the most gentle way, and with the best of intentions. Those "moles" on your left forearm and the spot on your right bicep? Turns out they're both malignant tumors. A little cauterization, some cloned flesh and a few hours of surgery (performed with machine-like precision), and boom! You're ready to roll, with two brand new cancer-free arms. Thanks, soulless killing machines!

I crush 3 pounds of titanium-edged razor blades, and add this and 6 ounces of cyanide (in gelcap form) to a thick batter, which I use to make a batch of patented DannyTorrance Death Muffins. I polish off the whole batch, then wait to see if the internal hemorrhaging or the poison kills me first.

You realize you were also making your famous "Taste so good I'm in heaven" Muffins for your parents and then ate the wrong batch. As you wonder what happened you get a call from the hospital as the police come arrest you for Patricide.

I was working on your parents lawn when they gave me a muffin, and because I am fat I ate it in 10 seconds and died 1 minute later.

Turns out it was the last of Danny's Heaven batch, which he was too euphoric to finish.

I am slowly driven insane by the endless prattle of a horde of kindergarteners, until my soul dies and my body is left a mere vegetative husk.

You are rescued by the end of the school day, and adult conversation.

I die of sleep depravation.

but really you just fell asleep.

I die of death related death.