Granted. You sail smoothly the entire time that your funeral barge is burning.

I wish that 0 had letters for texting on a phone.

Granted. All phone keys mysteriously vanish, and zero people now have letters for texting on a phone.

Wish Zen.

You get wish #10. You kill yourself, and everyone on the planet of gronan 5.

I wish that I could see the alignments of all people around me.

Granted. You now have nightmares about subtly off-kilter bone and muscle alignments, and you can't look at a car without knowing just how microscopically out of alignment it is.

I wish to purchase heaven.

Granted, but you can't afford the monthly payments and it's foreclosed upon.

I wish for the ability to know how any incomplete work would have finished had the author not died prior to its completion.

Granted, but you can't communicate this in any way, and the incomplete work, if unfinished, is completed in the worst way possible.

I wish I was a superhero.

Granted. Your superpower is that you have a new, random power from the Most Useless Superpowers thread every day.

I wish for justice.

Granted: all the water in the world becomes ice causing all the world to freeze.

I wish I liked marching band.

Granted. Marching has been outlawed, and you like that.

I wish that wishing on eyelashes worked.

Granted. However, you never get access to another eyelash again, and your worst enemies get such wishes at least once a day for the rest of their lives.

I wish I didn't need to sleep, eat, or drink, without developing additional biological needs.