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Short Story/First Chapter - Looking for criticism

 
Short Story/First Chapter - Looking for criticism

It's about 3300 words and 3.5ed based. The story is loosely based on an old adventure I played as a kid and a character with chip on his shoulder. I hope whoever reads it enjoys it and gives me their honest criticism. Please forgive the grammar...


A fan of Myth: TFL, I take it?

A few notes I have:
1. If the game is based on 3.5 D&D, what kind of damage is he doing with his daggers that he one-shot killed the guy who was running away (since he couldn't apply sneak attack to that one)? Or were the guards all just CR 1? The latter makes sense, to put the weakest guys on guard duty while the higher CR guards are part of the group of 30 or so called in as backup.

2. After he downs the invisibility potion, that doesn't end the encounter. Guards would still try to block the exits, listen for the rattling of his gear, and watch for unowned footprints, etc. I would suggest extending the scene to include some more detail on how he evaded the guards and avoided bumping into anyone or otherwise giving away his presence on his way out of the city before the potion wore off.

3. I don't really like the statement, "an item that makes him invulnerable to melee attack". For one, "melee attack" is a gaming term that will immediately kill the immersion for the reader. Similarly, I suggest you use "artifact" or similar terminology, instead of "item". Secondly, it's kind of a weird property. If someone is immune to melee attacks, then you would just shoot him. It makes sense if he supplements it with a continuous Protection From Arrows spell effect, and some kind of Spell Resistance to protect him from magical attacks. But that sort of obscure mechanic would need to be described in the story. In other words, a reader not familiar with D&D would want to know why such an item is relevant, and why it should make him "unkillable".

4. He works out in his head that he's going to kill the guy and take his item. And stealth is the key. But wait, isn't the guy supposed to be unkillable? And ninjaman doesn't even know what the item looks like, or if it even exists. The key, then, is for the protagonist to first figure out how he's going to engage this Alric character, and then to figure out how he's going to identify the item.

5. Why would the keeper of a secret door stick his head out when someone knocks? There should be a better way for him to find out who's outside, such as a peephole that's also hidden behind the illusory wall. Or at the very least, there would have to be a secret knock for privileged parties to prove that they're not just random objects banging against the wall. Similarly, it should unsettle our anti-hero that there's only one guy guarding the doorway after the men in black have left, despite there being a bed right there, not to mention the most valuable treasure he bought is sitting right there on the table next to the door. I mean, would you trust your most precious treasure to be guarded by some mook behind a secret door?

Anyways, a wise assassin would expect some kind of magical security in the absence of human guards. At the very least, an Alarm spell should alert the king every time the door is opened, and the doorman can activate a second spell from a hidden switch to give the OK that it's not an intruder. Furthermore, the fact that this guy is standing in a room and can't see anything at first means he should be scared shitless. If the room had occupants, they would see him enter and shoot him down before his eyes could adjust. I suggest that he come up with a way to find out what's past the door before he passes through it.

6. I should hope that the guards in front of the king's chamber are the highest level ones he has. I mean, any king who only has level 1 npcs in his employ is doomed to lose his kingdom. So it's hard to believe that all three of them can be killed with sneak attacks in a single surprise round. Or if he left it up to a surprise round + winning initiative and making a full attack action, then he's making a huge gamble that may work out for him here, but would fail at some point if he tried to do the same thing on every mission. But the type of npcs that normally guard kings are not going down from a single sneak attack. Or to put it outside of game mechanics terms, bodyguards are positively selected for their ability to spot danger before it kills them, and negatively selected for their tendency to sleep on the job.


Have fun in Thailand, by the way. It's a great place.

The intro has no zing. Try starting with the altercation with the guards, not grandiose backgrounding. You can insert tidbits of the setting here and there, once you already have the reader's attention and interest. Ditto for the main character's description, the explanation of the laws, and so on. Lace these things in as you go without beating the reader with a description hammer. Compare this as an intro to what you've got:

A firm, strong hand closed over Braknurr's shoulder, spinning him around to face five armed and armored men. What he'd done to merit their attention was obvious: he had weapons of obvious quality, two longswords and a greatsword. His quick, sharp eyes noted the symbol emblazoned on their scale mail, and he stifled his annoyance at being singled out here, now. The Maces didn't care that he had someplace to be. No, all they cared about was finding someone to push their authority on. The required peace strings on all his weapons were in plain sight, but that certainly didn't stop them from harassing him to 'check for compliance'. Bastards.

--

Also, using double quotes for direct thoughts is confusing. Most people use italics, even in print. Indirect thoughts, though, are your friend. Since you're working from Braknurr's perspective, it's not really necessary to make his thoughts direct ones. The reader will infer the source of the opinion as Braknurr without doing so. A good 2/3 or so of that paragraph above is indirect thought. It's a description of things from Braknurr's POV without being specific thought bubbles. The final word 'Bastards' could be a direct thought, but it doesn't have to be.






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