Granted. You have time, but can't find any other players who do.

I wish hemp (the fiber-production kind, not the more popular variety) were a legal crop so they could replace the more environmentally-destructive wood-based paper production techniques.

Wish granted. Industrial hemp production is legalized, but only as a necessity after a mysterious wood fungus causes the complete deforestation of the continent.

I wish I could find the time to do everything I want in a day.

granted, you find time to do things in one day. But you can only do them on one day; 21st of december 2012, the end of the world.

I wish i could read peoples minds.

Granted: you become mentally scarred because you can't figure a way to stop reading minds to keep from seeing all of people of the worlds disturbing thoughts.

I wish neither the Giants nor the Patriots win the Super Bowl.

Granted. Because that's where the alien invasion started. Killing both teams and everyone in the stadium. Plus most of the city. It takes them most of a year to eventually kill all the humans. But thats where they started.

I wish for the aliens to sweep eastward during their extermination process. That way where I live is safe until the very end.

Granted, but you do not get to enjoy it long. You fall into manic depression killing yourself before the aliens get any where near you.


I wish for Turbo Tax.

Granted: you have TurboTax, and are able to discover you're not going to be able to pay your taxes...but in only a third the time!

I wish I could live by feeding off the life-force of the innocent.

Granted. The truck assigned to bring your new tax form is stopped due to exceeding weight restrictions. Subsequently, it is broken up and then delivered by three separate trucks. You realise that the "turbo" in the tax form name referred to the speed with which one must write to finish before the deadline. As a side note, you are informed that you are responsible for getting the form back to the tax office...

Edit: And...swordsaged. Granted. You may gain energy from the calories contained within the matter composing innocent beings, and are unable to derive sustenance from the matter composing beings which are not innocent. You must prove a given being to be innocent before consuming it, or risk its matter passing through you undigested.

I wish that I had wished that I will have made a wish to have wished that I had wished that I will have made a wish to have wished that I had wished that [the wish's text continues, but is omitted for brevity].

Granted. The Wish Parser(tm) overflows its stack, and you turn into Newt Gingrich.
You don't get better.

I wish for administrator-level access to everything.

Granted. When you next boot your computer, a terminal pops up reading root@reality:~$. There is no documentation for the commands.

I wish for a date on which SingleSyllable will restart the Falling Stars game to be announced.