Granted
But they still mix up they're, their, and there, and who and whom.

I wish I could play in, and win the World Series of Poker

Granted. You could, but you won't.

I wish to dictate the rate at which my body turns excess calories into fat, and fat into energy

Granted, but your body is now incapable of processing your caloric intake automatically without your conscious involvement, which is now a full time job (literally)

I wish that nobody had ever thought to bring My Little Pony back.

Granted. The airways are now flooded with Cabbage Patch Kid advertisements.

I wish there were no more Cabbage Patch Kid advertisements.

Granted; the tubes are now clogged with My Little Pony again.

I splork for infinite splorks.

Granted, but the wish granting entity mishears the word "splork" and instead hears the word "spork", you are then buried under said, infinite sporks.

I wish I had a functioning IQ of 180.

Granted
The problem is, you live on a world where even a turd has an IQ higher than 180.

I wish my work did itself, and I still got paid for it.

Granted. You now have a career as a circus freakshow exhibit. You just sit there- other people do the marketing and the ticket taking and the work. Everyone gawks at you. And you get paid. Of course, you look like a circus freakshow exhibit, so that's inconvenient.

I wish to fatally wound a single individual of my choice without any harm coming to myself for doing so. And that includes no one else being aware that I did it.

Granted, but this ability only functions for the cockroach genera.

I wish for the giant bug from the first MIB movie to pay a visit to TanaNari.

Granted. And in the excitement, I get Will Smith's autograph. And to kill a giant bug monster.

Actually, that'd be awesome. I wish for Will Smith's autograph.