Granted; zombie-you is made fast to a ten-ton rock; you're not going anywhere.

I wish my nigh-infinite number of loyal squirrel demigods would do what I wanted them to do.

Granted, they do exactly what you wanted them to do yesterday, which is not what you WANT them to do today. Trying to overcome the obstacles involved in controlling a horde that follows all your commands a day late sends you insane, and the sqwirls eacha.

I wish I could escape this federal prison, get hold of the cash I made embezzling investors, and run to a country that will never extradite me, where I live like a king without the responsibilities.

Granted. But not before you get raped in prison and contract every STD known to man. Including the ones that aren't found in humans. You die two weeks after escaping the country, in a great deal of pain. Your last thoughts are "I didn't even know plants COULD have sex".

I wish to have ninja skills.

Granted. But they're lame, naruto-esque "ninja" skills, rather than actual ninja skills. Specifically, you perfect a method of jumping onto a table and getting everyone to look at you for about three seconds.

I wish to improve my existing ninjutsu and other martial arts and stealth skills.

Granted, but improving those skills comes at the cost of losing every other skill you've ever developed in life.

I wish a Myth-Weavers movie existed.

Granted. But you can't watch it, google it, or in any way find out about it.

I wish that the lfg-movie is finally finished, and I could go watch it, and it is awesome.

Granted, but you die while on the way to the theater, and then your soul ends up in a portion of hell where the only movie ever available to watch is Gigli.

I wish the Dungeons & Dragons movie (the one with Jeremy Irons and the stupid Wayans brother) had never been made.

I mean, really - what self-respecting wood elf uses a crossbow? And why do beholders take orders from normal men?

Granted, but they made a different dungeons and dragon movie with Bill Muray playing a dark elf and Will Ferrel playing a sorcerer in serious roles. Your shouts of "WHY GOD" go unanswered.

I wish that the Book of Erotic Fantasy was a core book.

Granted
Book of Erotic Fantasies is the ONLY Core Book. All campaigns are nothing but raunchy sex, and D&D players are even further ostracized.

I wish more campaigns allowed the Book of Erotic Fantasies

Granted. But you are forbidden from ever gaming again.

I wish I could have majored in gaming, specifically AD&D 2E, in college.