It's a good thing I mistook apple sauce for activated charcoal and fed you that at my party; I guess the rumours were true, I do need a better caterer next time. I might need to get my eyes checked, for that matter.

At the eye clinic, I trip and fall, gouging my eyes out on the equipment and bleeding to death.

As your bleeding to death an Asian woman named Tom Sawyer and her alien friend Huckleberry Finn come. They replace your eyes with robot eyes that can see in 7 different spectrum. As you stumble out of the clinic getting used to your new robot eyes you activate the optic eye blast function and blast a hole in my chest. I drop my newly bought Iphone on the ground and fall over dead.

Fortunately, the aliens are still there, and replace your missing organs with a hastily modified see n say. It's not much of a life. But it is a life.

For some bizarre reason, I am pelted to death by giant hail, the size and shape of gold bricks.

I have my robotic AI save your brain and reconstruct you a body that is virtually identical to the one you have now, except that you are now essentially a T-888 physically. Have fun with your terminator body!

A house hits me in the face as I continue to try to elude the tornadoes. That rain is red for a reason, unfortunately.

Heavy Iron Man influence make sthe rain red. You would figure that he could afford a better paint job, but whatever, at least he caught the house before it actually landed on you.

I eat so much on my birthday that my stomach bursts, followed by my appendix, followed by my colon. Painful, horrible way to die, especially on my birthday.

I save you by giving you a stomach transplant, of that of a gorilla. You know only want fruit, vegetables and Jane!!!!!!

I walk by and say whats up and you beat me to death with your fists.

Can JANE! be KATY! instead? That's my wife's name.

I feel really bad about hitting you, but really, it was just the one punch, and only my stomach has been replaced, not my arms or fists.

My body begins to reject the implant, and I go into septic shock.

After a while you realise it isn't actually septic shock but that you are actually mutating and evolving in to the next evolutionary phase of humanity. Unfortunately the government end up fearing you and hunting you down sending the entire armed forces after you. In the process of evading the military you throw me in to the path of some incoming bullets heading in your direction and I'm unable to avoid them.

Honestly. Did you think that the government would pass up the opportunity to capture and experiment on such an interesting specimen? Those aren't bullets, they're Black Ops stun rounds. You collapse on the ground, twitching uncontrollably, but still alive.

Meanwhile, a short distance away, I am beaten to death by an unruly mob of Star Trek cosplayers. Why, why, WHY did I choose to wear a red turtleneck today?

But I swoop in and run them over with my motorcycle. Dressed as Bobba Fett with a real Rocket Pack I fly down and scoop you into my arms carrying you to the nearest hospital. Moving there I end up forgetting how to stop I drop you onto the roof and fly up and around out of control until I run out of fuel and plummet 500 feet to my death.
-Shane