But a necromancer revives you, giving you the head of a dwarf.

I was the dwarf.

The dwarf head was only a plaster cast of your own head, perfectly painted to resemble you.


My time as a hypocritical theist ends as I am smote where I sit by the god I pretended to worship. Leaving behind nothing but a scorch in the carpet.

A few years later science proves that there is no such thing as god, meaning he would have been unable to smite you, and due to the laws of unability you get brought back to life.

I lost Saw's game.

Luckily you were only playing the Saw video game at the time.

I was eaten by a bear-

Luckily he didn't eat your vital stuff, so you are now alive, though arm and legless.

I had disintegrate cast on me with a natural 20

You, too, can roll a natural 20 on your Fortitude save, and the caster followed up his good luck with five 1's on damage. Smoking may be a natural side effect of the spell...

I roast myself to a crisp while standing in Death Valley trying to prove it's possible to fry an egg on a sidewalk in extreme circumstances.

The backup-team, recording the attempt, saves you, and under their care you manage to fry the egg, which means you're alive, plus have a nice and tasty egg.

I fell into an acid pit, while trying to chase after a dwarf who was an enemy of a friend, who is also a dwarf, after which I went to a portal and went past a gelatinous cube, and due to a trap with a gong fell into specified pit.

That wasn't acid, it was just a movie prop for special effects in a movie studio that you just happened to fall in to. It certainly provides a tingly sensation on your skin but doesn't kill you.

On another set in the movie studio, I was playing with the explosives that were set up to be used for an action sequence even though I knew I shouldn't be doing it but there was this voice in my head telling me to do so. Due to the portal activation from the previous poster, when the explosives detonate it creates an unstable vortex that pulls me in. The immense forces inside the vortex crush me so hard that I become as flat as a pancake and much less solid than I was before. I end up falling in to some swamp in a fantasy world where my consciousness melds with the swamp to form some sort of swamp monster. I am unable to talk in my newly acquired swamp monster form when a group of adventurers come along and kill me just so they could gain the little bit of extra experience they needed to reach Level 5.

Turns out that whole bit was just a very bad attempt at the pilot episode for sitcom about D&D gamers who double as movie SFX guys. In truth, you were simply an actor, and none of this really happened.

I on the other hand was forced to watch said pilot as a member of the test group. It just so happened to turn out that one of the fellow testers wasn't exactly....stable and started killing everybody. I did a pretty good job of defending myself with a stapler but that guy is just too dern fast with that mechanical pencil, which was impacted into my eye. Which is completely curable....if not for the fact that I make a really bad pirate eye-patch joke...and lighting from the heavens (sent by God) strikes me dead for my blasphemous abuse of a sense of humor.

But satan, feeling your usefulness has not yet been fulfilled, casts you out of hell so that you may further spread chaos and despair with your bad jokes.

Me, other the other hand, hearing said bad jokes start to bleed from the ears until my brain melts out of my head.