But you end up at a Pink Floyd concert instead.

I am transformed into a cantaloupe and greedily devoured by my cat.

But as you were recalled due to the listeria contamination, your cat sullenly must go without cantaloupe for now.

Meanwhile, I take a walk down Skid Row in LA wearing a suit made of 100-dollar bills. Violence ensues.

100$ monopoly bills. The gangbangers are too busy laughing to get off an accurate shot (not that they ever could in the first place) and all manage to shoot each other.

After becoming ashamed of the things I'm forcing it to think of, my brain finally gives up and climbs out of my ear canal in order to find someone who'd appreciate it better. The lack of a heart and lungs kills it. The lack of a control center for my heart and lungs kills the rest of me.

But I replace your brain with one from a fresh corpse and jump-start you ala Frankenstein



I Challenge Medusa to a staring contest

But since you're wearing Peril-Sensitive Mirrored Sunglasses, Medusa gets the worst of the contest and you are fine.

I pine away for love.

And you cease pining once you discover your love for combs.

After braving the Eye of Terror and slaughtering the heretic scum for a thousand days and a thousand nights I meet my end at the hands of Khorne himself.

At which point, your DM ends the session, but moves away before running the next one, where you actually die. Your character is forever stuck in limbo.

I am bitten by fifteen black widow spiders, twelve brown recluses, and fifty-seven different types of pit vipers, most of them deadly poisonous.

and then you breathe a sigh of relief remembering that you took your universal antidote pill this morning .



I go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney

Who aims at you, but hits everything else, leaving you unscathed.

I am run over by a harvester.

Which jams and grinds to a halt milimeters from your face. The frustrated farmer sticks his hand in to try and unjam it and loses three fingers (so many true stories of this out in rural idaho).

I'm pushed into a room of hungry zombies and the door locks shut behind me as an experiment in survival gone wrong.