Cackling like the mad god he is Sheogorath disintegrates, reintegrates, resuscitates, reincarnates, redistributes, disassociates, excommunicates, then reverse articulates you. You're fine and you get a neat magical staff as a parting gift, which smells faintly of wet dog.

Attempting to break the speed of light I inadvertently vibrate the molecules of my body at the harmonics of a dark dimension and my physical form shatters into a nearly infinite number of pieces. Those pieces spread out across the universe and become a sustaining food source for ravenous extra-planar beings.

Did I kill the thread?

Yeah, there's no coming back from that. Thankfully this is just theoretical math!

While soldering together a circuit board I forgot to ventilate the area properly.

Which you didn't need to do as you were outside in the park.

I am struck by a falling meteor from the Leonid meteor shower.

Unfortunately for you, at the time you were sneaking into a fallout shelter. The force of the meteor, after penetrating the shelter, was only enough to permanently knock you into a coma.

I am one of the doctors operating on you. I cut myself while removing the meteor, which is made up of an unnamed element with 1000 protons and neutrons. As it rapidly radiates the area, it gets into my wound and mutates me into a ghoul before I am killed by the intense radiation combined with the bright lights of the room.

3 days later, you return to life, only to discover that you now have the exact powers of Superman.

I was divided by zero

Lucky for you someone forgot to carry the infinity and you just form out of nothing in a reality where the entire world is a beach with two benchs and an unlimited amount of pina coladas.

I covered myself in fish oil and walked into a cat shelter.

You don't die, though you might wish you had; you're just licked, very, very thoroughly.

I die from boredom.

You were going to die of boredom, but your best friend came over with your favorite video game of all time and you played and played and played, and much rejoicing was to be had by all.

I slit my own wrists with a rusty razor blade.

So rusty, the whole thing just disintegrates against the contact force of your still-intact epidermis. You do get quite a nice rusty-red line across your wrists, though. It rubs off with a little bit of soap and water.

I fall head-first into a gigantic pile of road salt and am made into mod-jerky by its hygroscopic power.