But you are cured of your affliction by the divine touch of the Burger King.

I attempt an auto-liposuction with a Dyson vacuum cleaner and eviscerate myself.

At least that was your plan. Too bad your significant other unplugs the vacuum with a reminder that they were trying to sleep, becuse they work in the morning.


I am am accidently shot by a hunter while I try to study lions in their natural habitat.

Turns out that getting shot in the butt is in fact nonfatal.


I, in an effort to start my own lame reality show, start randomly kicking reputed mafia members in the testicles and putting it on youtube.

You quickly turn popular, very popular, especially with Hells Angels who are at war against the mafia, and they assign four bikers and a few strippers for your protection.

I take a running jump out of the CN Tower sky pod.

And you land on the big hot air balloon directly beneath you. The operator of that balloon gets arrested for not filing a proper flight plan. You get hospitalized and are on suicide watch for the rest of your natural life. They don't even let a dull spork near you.

I am dropped in a huge vat of boiling peanut oil and am boiled alive.

Though your physical body is destroyed outright, your soul remains and eventually inhabits a small plushie peanut. You then spend several years sequels tormenting a small boy while attempting to steal his body.


I meet my evil twin from another dimension. Turns out- that dimension's made out of antimatter. The combined mass/energy consumption annihilates both of me down to the submolecular level and results in an explosion massive enough that it splits the earth in half.

Turns out he wasn't made of antimatter, but was part of a band NAMED Anti-matter, downside is his music sucks.

I get assassinated by tiny ninjas that are hiding in my mailbox.

But this was the wrong address, they quickly realize as they jump out of the mailbox. So they pack themselves again in the mailbox with the mention: "Return to Sender", whoever might be this Sender. Though they keep your Sport Illustrated you just received in the mail (at the good address, this time).

I eat a peanut inhabited by akela's soul. My body survive, but might soul is sent to oblivion.

Where it is snached up by a mad god to inhabit the body of his new priest.


I then turn around and try to kill said mad god....

The mad god likes it. In fact, he likes it so much that he keeps you around as his fetish/slave. You are now immortal. Pity that you no longer wish to live.

I take an overdose from the fountain of youth. Zygotes don't do so well in open air.