Non Sequitur

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The Three Guards Who Couldn't

The Three Guards Who Couldn't

Since I've been procrastinating on finishing an essay for my history professor, might as well get the story of a recent DnD game I played out of my head so have fun laughing at my misfortune.

There was only four of us, me who has decent experience with DnD and roleplaying and whose cruel and vindictive thoughts are only is outweighed by my snarkiness, this one guy who has very little DnD experience and roleplaying and is generally a noob in most senses of the word but he's trying, a guy who had more DnD experience than me but no mind for roleplaying and has the mouth of a sailor and a mind of bad ideas, and our DM whose snark and depravity only is outmatched by my own but his love of talking like a serial killer creeps even the likes of me out.

Our characters were part of the town guard, though we apparently had enough free time to help the town set up for a upcoming festival (instead of clearing the town of the murderous animals that seem to stalk the cellars and alleyways from the town.) The characters pretty much started in a tavern and though I (my character) was only there for breakfast, the other two PCs pretty much forced me into helping out. So I, the town's wizard, picked the most dignified job, escorting some priests. Though she wanted to do it alone, the other PCs pretty much followed her because they know its an encounter waiting to happen (like I said, they ain't role-players so their characters excuses were pretty much "to protect you") though despite being an all powerful wizard. Yeah I ended up needing it. When we met up with the priests we were ambushed by doppelgangers, well the DM didn't say they were at first but since one showed up as my copy it was really friggin' obvious. And we couldn't hit them. That single encounter between a group of 3 verses TWO normal enemies lasted forever because we couldn't hit them. They weren't really tough, oh no, our skill with rolling just sucked. To our luck the DM was getting terrible rolls too so we won through attrition. Though not before the enemies decided to gang up on me (who was doing relatively well damage wise), forcing me to use a point blank range sleep spell in defense. Though it was pointless as their health as so low by then that only a bit more damage killed them, while knocking myself unconscious.

The second job was to bring up chairs and wine barrels from the cellar of a tavern upstairs, though while the other two did it for the sake of helping, my character did it for the free food offered (since I missed breakfast after being practically forced into the first job). It would've been an easy enough task, though only if our DM wasn't as sadistic as the Joker. My character is a wizard so my dump stat was obviously strength, so I stuck to picking up chairs. We had to roll each time we picked something up... my wizard failed picking up a chair. Three times. Twice having it fall on her foot. I will never live it down and my character developed a phobia of chairs. The other two, a dragonborn fighter and a human spellblade, through numerous fails on their spot check, missed a gaping hole behind the barrels they picked up. Even after my wizard cast Light to illuminate most of the room. When the blind idiots finally noticed the 5-10 foot hole, my wizard, trying to be helpful, placed a new light spell right over the hole. Provoking the small army of rats inside that swarmed her. That fight ended with me and the fighter licking our severe injuries and the spellblade being sent to the chapel to be treated for a full blown case of Filth Fever. My wizard was also able to drop a chair on her foot one more time before we were through. Recovering from this took up the first in game day.

The third task was setting up decorations on a building. A legitimately easy job with no combat. But after I suggested my character could do it really fast using my Mage Hand spell, rather than being praised for a cleaver use of my spells, I got ridiculed since I could've just done that to lift the chairs I seemed to have difficulty picking up. Ridiculed by not just the DM, but by the other players, their characters, and the NPCs. After that I decided my character would not stay Unaligned for long.

The fourth job was also simple. Picking up trash. Though this was where the DM decided to pick up the slack from the last job. My character was already consigned to the fact she really has no choice in doing this anymore so she decided that she was fine doing this so long as she didn't have to touch the trash itself by using mage hand once more, and once more bringing up a chance for the others to laugh at my earlier misfortune. Since I'm the only role player, my character suggested we all handle the separate trash piles at the same time (there were three piles). Everyone (DM included) rejected it. I mean, yeah, from a player's point of view that is suicide, but from a character's point of view, its taking out trash. TRASH! Who is worried about picking up trash alone? What are they children? Well I convince them to separate (though they know its a bad idea) so of course we get attacked by vermin and somehow freaking wolves (once again in a populated town) that are so powerful that we couldn't handle them. One of us is a well trained and armored fighter, one is a trained in a discipline that combines martial training with magic, and the third, me, is a highly trained student of magic. Yet we are apparently unable to handle pest control and we ended up all of us so damn near to death we can hear our ancestors telling us to walk into the light, though I was unconscious and I had developed two more mental scars from the ordeal, a fear of wolves, and a fear of rats. This took up the second day. The DM told us that the festival was postponed because we are taking too long.

This happened on our groups first day of playing. We dragged ourselves out of the encounters barely intact, our ability to roll dice was only just enough to not have a casualty (though we came close to it towards the end) and I swear the DM had to botch the rolls to let us live (when he wasn't forcing us to reroll terrible rolls, or just outright moving the dice to a more appropriate number.) Oh and my poor character developed very real psychological issues over the course of those two days...

Am I the only one that has these games go so bad?

Sounds like your GM is a retard. Rats don't randomly swarm people. Not unless they're *really* hungry. Which they can be, in a dungeon where everything's been picked clean already.

As to the wolves... what kind of incompetence thinks THAT makes sense.

Your worst encounters should have been hobos who thought YOU were wolves.

And making someone roll to lift chairs? Seriously? Maybe if they were made of solid gold.

I don't think you were having bad luck. I think the dice were trying to spare your suffering the game itself. Failed attempt at a mercy killing.

No, it's not just you, Cnyperos.

Not sure which edition you're playing, but lifting things as simple as chairs generally doesn't require any sort of check. Worst-case scenario, you can just drag the damn things. If it was light enough for Mage Hand to work on it (5 lbs. or less), you shouldn't have had any difficulty with it, unless your character had some sort of major disability that would've made her unsuitable for adventuring in the first place.

What edition are you using, and what level are the characters?

In a situation like that, I'd find the DMPC and murder them before setting fire to the town. That sort of DM always has a DMPC, even if it doesn't follow the party around. You may have to wait until they're asleep, but a good Shocking Grasp karate chop to the throat should do the trick (you can CdG with touch spells). Scorching Ray also works wonders.

It was 4th edition and we went from levels 1-2 during that session, and there actually was a DMPC, though we never got to it but one of the players had already did that campaign (albeit long ago so he was able to tell us) and that DMPC is needed for the plot (thus the DM would never let me kill it anyway). Luckily we played that one session and that was it. Every other meeting was either my campaign, or us just playing other games entirely since we had an unpredictable amount of players who showed up on his game days.

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