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Teaser

 
Teaser

This is an example of my writing style, and is sort of a teaser for a novel I've bee trying (in vain) to write. Tell me what you think of the style, concept, any edits that need to be made, etc...

Thanks in advance


Prologue

Jack fell to the ground, hard. He felt his jaw collide with the cement floor, and at least one tooth was loose. It took him a few moments for his vision to correct itself; the world for a moment was swirling around him. He closed his eyes, hoping that it would go away, that the dull pain would pass, and that his current predicament was just a bad dream, yes… a dream

“I am disappointed in you Jacob” Jack winced, which caused even more pain; he hated being called by his proper name “I thought you knew for our cause, that you would give your all, isn’t that what you promised?”

Jack tried to respond but the best he could manage was a cough, specks of blood shot out of his mouth as he did so. Jack wasn’t sure precisely what was bleeding, but he was certain it wasn’t a good sign. He had broken free, gotten away from them, away from the mind games, the tricks, the lies. For a moment he thought they would’ve just left him alone, but that was just a pipe dream, he feared it would end like this, on the cold hard floor, in an ever increasing pool of his own blood. Jack took a deep breath through his nostrils, there was no pain that way, and he managed to will his eyes open, to meet the cold dark pupils of his assailant

“Gabe, you-“Another coughing fit, more blood “You lied, it was all a lie wasn’t it? Do you really think you can keep it up?”

There it was, the smile. The wide and perfect smile the man shone, Gabe’s teeth almost glowed in the dark with how pearly white they were, no hint of an abnormality in the teeth, as if he were born with the perfect smile, and never once ate a meal in his life to tarnish it “Jacob, I had such high hopes for you” A sudden and powerful kick to the gut sent Jack rolling on the ground, he was holding onto his stomach, taking a deep breath he looked up to meet Gabe in the eyes, he was talking again, but Jack couldn’t hear him, his ears were ringing, and he knew what was coming. Right now what Jack wanted was just to get it over with, stop the pain, stop this false offer of redemption, he knew the game, he had played it well before, he didn’t like how he was now on the other side of it however

Still not hearing what the man was saying, Jack looked up “Just get it over with Gabe”
“As you wish Jacob” responded Gabriel, in that same instant the shirt that was containing his torso flew open as the two lofty downy white appendages hung out from behind him

“I will make it quick” Another lie, Jack thought….

Nice. Gritty and well-written. I like the twist at the end.

You have some technical issues with grammar and punctuation. You need to go through and put in periods and such, and some of your sentences lack proper structure. Right now I'm a bit busy re-tooling the forum, but if nobody has helped you with that in a few days, poke me and I'll give better detail.

The description of the wings falls flat. "The shirt that was containing his torso" is awkward, and "the two lofty downy white appendages hung out from behind him" makes them sound sickly and freakish, but not in a 'wow, that's cool' way.

Otherwise the description is pretty good.

I like this sentence: "Jack wasn’t sure precisely what was bleeding, but he was certain it wasn’t a good sign." It calls to mind all those hard-boiled detective stories, and because the tone is so true to form, the sentence is evocative with an economy of words.

We have some links to sites that help writers learn proper grammar and punctuation, but they're a bit buried in the site. I am working on reorganizing so they will be easier to find. I recommend the OWL pages at Perdue University's website. Hope I got that name right.

Well, I am probably not the best one to help you out with punctuations, as I think it's what I have the most trouble with too (it comes from constantly mixing up French and English punctuations. XD)

I do think you could go "... that it would end like this: on the cold hard floor, in an ever increasing pool of his blood."

Speaking of which, is the expression "his own" actually considered bad form? It gets picked up by Word as by grammar and it is redundant, but I was wondering how bad it was and if it should be in the 'to avoid' list.

I like it, though it has some punctuation missteps. Correct those, and you have a prologue for a gritty story. I would read more!

Nice beginning, Mick. A confrontation usually sets the mode well. As far as punctuation goes, re-read it and get the feel of how you would like the descriptions and text to go. If you have a long pause, or a continuation of a thought, you may want to use an em dash--it works well to indicate further description. The semicolon works well as a 'super comma', and allows you to link phrases that have more subordinant commas to be used; it's kinda like a list, but less formal; it sometimes adds a bit of drama.

Nice idea. The concept of the 'humanity' and 'inhumanity' of angels, and their like, has always intriqued me. Keep it up!





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