Bartmanhomer Writing Thread - Myth-Weavers

Notices


Creative Corner

Post your creative works here and show off your talent!


Bartmanhomer Writing Thread

   
Bartmanhomer Writing Thread

In this thread, I'll be posting stories which was written by me. So feel free to critique my stories, whenever if it positive or negative. My first story in this thread is going to be Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos. I mention what this story is going to be about in my I Need Advice To Be A Good Writer Thread. So you're going to expect what the story is going to be about only except a few minor changes in the story which I didn't mentioned in the other thread. So I how you'll like or dislike the story.

Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

This is my very first Pathfinder story. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to critique my story. Whatever if it's positive or negative. Ok on to the story.

Chapter 1

In a magicial world of Arcadia, where all types of races lived. Humans, elves, dwarfs, halfings, gnome, half-elves, half-orcs lived. Their a mansion lived in a town of Vex. The people who lived in this mansion are a family of humans know as the Pentacles. The Pentacles are very wealthy and materalistic family in Vex. There was a male human wizard named David Pentacles. Who's very tall, muscular, very light skinned, heavy build, he also got black short hair. In addition he got a beard and mustache. There was also his wife Miranda Pentacles who was also a wizard. She was also tall, light build, was also very light skinned, her hair was black and long. They have a son, Kenny Pentacles, he's a commoner. He's 14 years old. He's tall but not as tall as his parents, he's light skinned, light build, he also got short black hair as his father. They have a daughter, Sarah Pentacles. She's 13 years old and she's also a commoner. The youngest member of the family. She's also the shortest. She's light skinned, light build, She also got long black hair just like her mother.

It was daytime, the parents were ready to go on an adveuture.

"Ok kids, Your dad and I are going on an adventure. We're going to fight a great wyrm blue dragon named Nicolius. Kenny you're in charge of the house. You have to take care of your sister where we're on an adventure. Food is in the kitchen. You can invited your friends to the house. Oh yeah one more thing, No you're not allowed to have a party in this house, Understood?" asked Miranda with a stern look.

"Yes I understand. I'm going to take care of my sister and the house. And their won't be any parties whatsoever." said Kenny as he abide his mother rules.

"I wish I can go to adventure with both of you." said Sarah as she frowned.

"You're still in your youth, Sarah. When you're 15, you can go to the adventure with on our next adventure." said David.

"I can't when you both of you come back home and tell us how both of you battling Nicolius and live to tell the tale." said Kenny full of optimism.

"We'll be fine, son. Remember what your mother said, take care of the house and your sister and absolutely no parties. Bye kids" said David as he and Miranda left the mansion to go on the adventure to fight Nicolius the great wyrm blue dragon. Kenny and Sarah greeted farewell to their parents.

"Well my friends will be here about an hour." said Kenny.

"I get some food at the kitchen and eat." said Sarah as she went to the kitchen.

TO BE CONTINUED

So what do you think of Chapter 1 so far. I love to here your comments.

I'm rewriting this post to better suit Bartmanhomer's intentions for his writing. Rather than offering suggestions, or criticism, I'm simply going to edit the work for grammar, spelling, and sentence structure as faithfully as I can to the original work.




Quote:
Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
Hello! Glad to see that you're working on your new concept. Let me see if I can edit it a bit to say what you wanted to say, and then we'll talk about what needs to be fixed.



Ok, I mostly fixed some spelling and grammar issues, and locked everything into a consistent tense. There were a few sentences I didn't entirely understand, so I had to extrapolate its meaning from context and restructure it, so I hope I captured the spirit of what you were trying to communicate.

So... let's address the big one. Paragraph 1. There is far too much exposition and repetitive description. If I were writing this piece, I would take out the entire first paragraph and pepper those descriptions in throughout the first chapter when and if it becomes relevant for the reader. In fact, most of the description is unnecessary to add to the first paragraph. It's enough to know that the parents are adventurers by trade. Furthermore, it is unclear why the children are commoners, but it also doesn't seem like the reader needs to know that in order to enjoy the story. Also, it's generally assumed (unless specified otherwise) that the children will have similar skin tones and hair colors as their parents. You could probably just describe Kenny (who is the main character) and say that he is the spitting image of his mother and call it a day. This will give the reader a chance to recognize the main character early on and make your story more cohesive. It's good that you're being descriptive, but it's important not to turn it into a dossier. First and foremost, you are telling a story. You need to give the reader a good reason to care what Kenny looks like. So rather than describing how they look, describe how they act and feel. Focus on their tone, pacing and inflection. Do they fidget nervously, or are they calm and relaxed? Are they obsequious or snarky? Is Kenny sad that his parents are leaving, or kind of relieved to get some time with just his friends. What about him and Sarah? Do they get along, or are they constantly struggling against each other. And if so, in what way?

Focus on these questions and start hinting at the answers to them in the first chapter. You've got a foundation here. It's clear you are thinking about your characters. Now, you just need to make the reader think about them too.
Thank you. To answer your questions. If you have play Pathfinder before Youth are NPC. Also the reason why that Kenny and Sarah are commoner is because they're non-adventurers. I know the first chapter is a bit rough but I appreciate your honest criticism.

I hope I'm not being too harsh. All rough drafts are rough, and learning to write creatively is harder than it seems. I should probably grade my advice on what you wish to do with this story. Are you:
  1. Doing this for fun?
  2. Wish to develop writing skills for future Pathfinder games?
  3. Wish to create public Pathfinder fanfiction?
  4. Wish to create high quality published works?

I can adjust my nitpicking based on your agenda.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
I hope I'm not being too harsh. All rough drafts are rough, and learning to write creatively is harder than it seems. I should probably grade my advice on what you wish to do with this story. Are you:
  1. Doing this for fun?
  2. Wish to develop writing skills for future Pathfinder games?
  3. Wish to create public Pathfinder fanfiction?
  4. Wish to create high quality published works?

I can adjust my nitpicking based on your agenda.
I'm doing this story just for fun. I have other stories that non-Pathfinder.

Oh, ok. I'm going to dial it back a lot then. I was assuming this was, like a three.

Based on that, I'd like to adjust my suggestions. What do you like about your story so far? What are your favorite parts of the first chapter?

Inversely, what part about the first chapter did you struggle with, or just didn't feel right?

If the whole chapter felt great, then I say fix the grammar issues, and move on to chapter 2. But if there is a specific part of the chapter that you are concerned about, then I'd like to compare it with the part of the chapter you enjoyed. Perhaps we can compare what worked with what didn't work and bolster the weaknesses to match the strengths.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
Oh, ok. I'm going to dial it back a lot then. I was assuming this was, like a three.

Based on that, I'd like to adjust my suggestions. What do you like about your story so far? What are your favorite parts of the first chapter?

Inversely, what part about the first chapter did you struggle with, or just didn't feel right?

If the whole chapter felt great, then I say fix the grammar issues, and move on to chapter 2. But if there is a specific part of the chapter that you are concerned about, then I'd like to compare it with the part of the chapter you enjoyed. Perhaps we can compare what worked with what didn't work and bolster the weaknesses to match the strengths.
I'm also going to be posting future Pathfinder story with a little more action to it as well. The story sounded very solid. The introduction of the characters and the character are very well developed. I know I did mention the grammar issue which I'm going to overcome. And the story did make sense. So yeah overall it was a very good chapter so far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
Awesome! Bring on the next chapter, then.
Sure let me wait for few days to settled my thoughts. I'm not really rushing the story.







 

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2018 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Last Database Backup 2018-12-14 09:00:08am local time
Myth-Weavers Status