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Bartmanhomer Writing Thread

Originally Posted by TanaNari View Post
Here's a tool that helped me improve my writing by leaps and bounds. I'll go through and give specific advice later, but for now, I cannot recommend putting your chapters into this baby and using its advice. Do keep in mind that it *is* an auto-tool; it's not perfect, and it cannot understand that part of a writer's skills is knowing when to break the rules... but it will help you learn the rules.
Thank you. I'll put it in good use.

Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 5

Everybody is having a good time at the house party. People were socializing, dancing, eating food. The bards were playing with various of musical instruments. Everyone was having fun. There was a muscular human man with red hair with a beard and a mustache at the dining room with a few people in it. He happen to be an epic adventurer.

"Who dare want to challenge me, O'Brien the Destroyer in a game of arm wrestle." asked O'Brien asking someone to challenge him.

"I'll challenge you. Do you accepted my challenge or are you scared like a quasits?" asked Stan as he approaches to O'Brien.

"I'll accepted your challenge." said O'Brien.

"Hey everyone! Stan is going to arm wrestle O'Brien The Destroyer." said a male human teenager. So many people are coming to watch Stan and O'Brien duke it out in a game of arm wrestle. Bonnie and Nancy are also watching the arm wrestling game as well. Both competitors were seated at the table looking at each other. Stan put his right arm on the table and O'Brien put his left arm on the table. Both hands locked each other. Many of the spectators were making bets to see who will win the arm wrestle. Some people wagers Stan, others wager O'Brien.

"This is going to be very easy. Three, two, one go!" said O'Brien as both of them arm wrestle with each other. Many people were cheering. Some people cheer Stan, some people cheer O'Brien. Both men were arm wrestle each other and it turn out that both man strength were at a stalemale. However O'Brien left arm is very strong and he almost pinned down Stan arm nearly on the table. But suddenly out of total surprise Stan use all his strength to pinned down O'Brien arm and O'Brien arm touch the table making Stan the victor. Everyone was cheering Stan for winning the arm wrestling. Some people were upset and disappointed that they lose their money and wager. O'Brien approach to Stan.

"Wow kid. What kind of food have your parents been feeling you anyway?" asked O'Brien.

"Meat. Trust me. I was born and raised of family of fighters." said Stan.

"Well if you ever think about adventuring, I would love to have you in my team. In addition, I would love to have a rematch of arm wrestle with you. What's your name kid?" asked O'Brien.

"My name is Stan Wands, O'Brien." replied Stan.

"Well Stan if you ever wanted to have a rematch with me you know where to find me." said O'Brien as he walk away to continue to enjoy the party.

"Congratulations Big brother." said Bonnie.

"Congratulations baby." said Nancy as she kissed Stan on the lips.

"Thanks everyone. That arm wrestle was tough." said

Meanwhile Eric was looking at the food choices that was chosen by Kenny.

"Yuck no know wants to eat this crap. This party need some junk food but lucky for me I bought some junk food on my own." said Eric that he put potato chips, cheese doodles, cookies, chocolate cake and other unhealthy foods on the table. He put fruit put in the table.

"There now that's what I called party flavor snacks." said Eric.

Someone was knocking at the door. Sarah open the door. It was the Drow siblings.

"Hi Sarah. How are you doing tonight?" asked the female Drow.

"Darlene and Derek Dark. What are you two doing here?" asked Sarah as she wasn't happy to see them.

"Well you two are not allowed at this party. So amstray your butts out of here." said Sarah as she was barking orders to them.

"Hold it. Whatever happen between both of us and your friends. That was all in the past. We matured and changed." said Derek.

"What my brother trying to say that we were real jerks at school and we wanted to apologize our unruly behavior and hopefully we wanted to be friends. So are we cool." asked Darlene as she and Derek offering Sarah to shake their hand.

"Ok but promised you two won't caused any trouble here." said Sarah as she shake their hand.

"We promise." said Darlene.

"Drow honor." said Derek as both walked away to enjoy the party.

"I can't believe she feel for it. What a loser." said Darlene.

"Indeed dear sister. It's time to take this party to the next level." replied Derek.


Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 6

Kenny was walking around to the living room to see if anybody is having a good time. Suddenly a teenage male elf named Lucas Light approaches to Kenny. He appears to have blond hair, light-skinned, very tall, muscular build. He happen to be 109 years old in elf years.

"Hey great party Kenny." said Lucas.

"Thanks Lucas." Kenny replied back.

Suddenly he hear noise in his parents. It's sounds like a glass break in his parents room. Kenny rushed to his parents room. He open the door and found out two male dwarf adventurers causing a mess in his parents room.

"Hey that room is off-limits. Get out of this room right now."

"Party pooper." said the first male dwarf adventurer as he and his adventuring partner left the room.

"Well that taken care of." said Kenny.

Meanwhile Eric was eating junk food. Bonnie approaches to Eric.

"Hey honey. How are you doing?" said Bonnie as she was floating Eric with passion.

"I'm doing good, sexy." said Eric as he continued to eat junk food.

"You missed a great arm wrestling match that my brother faced against. He's won again an epic adventurer named O'Brien The Destroyer."

"Classic Stan. He's the strongest boy in Bed. He'll beat anybody at arm wrestling." said Eric as he was continued to eat junk food and he was drinking fruit punch.

"Hmmm......need more sugar for the fruit punch though." said Eric.

Kenny returned back to the living room and there was more ruckus now in the kitchen. He rushed to the kitchen and found out there two male non-adventurers causing a mess.

"Hey kid. You're running this party right? Is there any alocohol here?" asked the first male non-adventurer.

"We don't have any alocohol in this house." said Kenny as he getting angry.

"No alocohol. Well ain't that a shame." said the second male non-adventurer as he and his non-adventuring partner left the kitchen.

"Look at all this message. I can't stand messiness." said Kenny.

Meanwhile Derrick and Darlene was in the living room stand awaiting to plot something sinister.

"Well Sister, who are we going to ruined their relationship now?" asked Derrick.

"We pretty much ruined everyone relationship. The only couple we haven't wrecked with is Kenny and Rochelle. From what I've heard they're a thing now." Then it's time to break Kenny and Rochelle hearts and end their relationship permanently." said Derrick as their laugh maliciously.


Hey everybody I've been writing Pathfinder:House Party Of Chaos for awhile and I would like to hear everyone feedback of what do you think of the story so far.

Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 7

The house party at the Pentacles residence start to become more chaotic. Soon after adventurers start causing a mess through the house. Adventurers start have a phsyical fighter with non-adventurers. Things are going extremely crazy out of Kenny control.

"Hey you, put that vase down! You two stop fighting with each other. Oh man this is terrible. I don't know what to do." said Kenny as he was worried about how he's going to explained his parents about this mess.

"I've been to so many house parties before but never like this." replied Stan in a serious stone.

"This is all Eric fault. Why did I even listened to him in the first place?" asked Kenny as he start to get really upset. Soon after Kenny is received a telepathetically contact with someone.

"Kenny is that you? It's your mother." said Miranda as she contact Kenny telepathically into his mind.

"Hi mom. How you and dad doing on your adventure?" asked Kenny as he telepathically back to his mother.

"Great. Your dad and I along with two more adventurer are at the inn. I just wanted to check to see how are you and Sarah are doing?" said Miranda telepathically cheerily.

"Wonderful. Sarah and I are getting along great. Did you fight Nicolius the Arcane Dragon yet?" asked Kenny telepathically back.

"No but we're almost there to his castle. We going to fight in his castle in the morning and it's going to be a serious fight. Hey are you having a party?" asked Miranda telepathically suspiciously.

"No. We're not having a party. it's just me and my friends rough-housing as usual." said Kenny telepathically as he deceived his mother about the party.

"Well don't mess the house too much. We'll be back in a few days. Love you son." said Miranda telepathically farewell to Kenny.

"Bye Mom." said Kenny telepathically back farewell to his mom ending the telepath conversation. kenny trying to think what can he do in a situation like this. Suddenly Darlene approached to Kenny.

"Hey Kenny. How are you doing." said Darlene as she start to flirt with Kenny.

"Darlene. What are you doing here?" asked Kenny as he wasn't expected to see her in a house party.

"Well I heard that you were having a house party. Are you and Rochelle still together." asked Darlene with curiosity.

"Yes pretty much." said Kenny truthfully.

"That skank is no good for you. I want you to have me as your girlfriend." said Darlene as she was making serious seductive moves on Kenny.

"What?! No!" said Kenny as he insisted his romantic loyality with Rochelle.

"Take me! I'm yours!" said Darlene as she kissed Kenny on the lips. Rochelle arrived and saw Darlene and Kenny lock lips with each other.

"Kenny! How could you?! You cheated with me with a drow?" said Rochelle as she start to cried and run away.

"Rochelle, wait a minute. It's not what you think." said Kenny as he runs after Rochelle trying to explain himself. Derrick show up and approach to Darlene.

"That plan work out a lot better than I expected to be and now another couple love for each other is ruined." said Darlene.


Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 8

Rochelle leave the house and went to the front porch. Kenny catch up with her and tried to explain to her.

"Rochelle can you let me explain please?" asked Kenny as he tried to explain his girlfriend about the kiss.

"What's there to explain. You kiss Darlene on the lips. I saw it myself." said Rochelle furiously.

"Ok first off Darlene kissed me first. She was flirting with me and being all seductive with me about it. I told her I wasn't interested and tried back away from the situation. She flirts with every guy at school and ruin relationship with every couple she makes. I mean she ruin your brother and my sister relationship at one point but they're back together. Don't you remember?" asked Kenny.

"Do you expect me to believe this bullcrap lie of yours? Not only that you're a cheater, but you're also a liar. A terrible one at that." replied Rochelle still with disbelief.

"My brother speaks the truth." said Sarah as she approaches Kenny and Rochelle.

"If you're not going to believe him, you could at least tried to believe your best friend. Darlene tried to ruin your brother and my relationship at once point. She succeed it for a while. As soon as I found out that I overheard her that she was planning to ruin my relationship with Kyle the very beginning and she was bragging about it with her Drow friends. I fought with her and I won the fight. I got back together with Kyle and we're still dating. So Kenny was telling the truth about it." said Sarah as she explained very clearly to Rochelle.

"Oh Sarah. Thank you for explaining the truth. I'm sorry for not believing you. Do you forgive me?" asked Rochelle.

"Yes I forgive you." said Kenny.

"Well it's official. These two Drow got to go. I'm kicking these two out of the house right now." said Sarah forcefully.

"No let me do it for you." said Rochelle as she walks back in the house looking for Darlene.

"Uh oh this is about to get ugly." said Kenny.

"This infidelity was so priceless. You could have seen the reaction of Rochelle face." said Darlene as she was talking to her brother Derrick.

"DARLENE! I'M GOING TO WHOOP YOUR BUTT RIGHT NOW!" exclaimed Rochelle as she charged after and body slams Darlene. Both girls are clashing each other to have a fight. Everyone was gathering around to watch both girls fighting. Rochelle punch Darlene in the face. Darlene slaps Rochelle in the face. Both girls were exchanged blows to each other.

"Let me guess Darlene was flirting with you and Rochelle caught both of you cheating and now Rochelle is getting payback by fighting Darlene in an epic clash of the titans." asked Kyle.

"Yeah pretty much." replied Kenny back to Kyle.

"Same thing happen to me and Sarah. Wow I always thought that my sister was a pacifist. But man she definitely knows how fight. GO ROCHELLE! KICK HER BUTT!" said Kyle as he cheers for his sister.

Rochelle and Darlene fought very viciously. Rochelle scratch Darlene face. Darlene pulls Rochelle hair. Rochelle kick Darlene stomach then she punched Darlene right to the nose causing her nose to bleed. Then Rochelle punch Darlene to the eye causing a black eye.

"Ah screw this. I give up. Come on Derrick let go. This house party isn't worth getting my butt kicked." said Darlene as she and Derrick left the house and retreat.

"Yeah you and your brother better run." said Rochelle. Everyone was cheering for Rochelle. Sarah approaches to Rochelle.

"And the winner by forfeit is Rochelle Cups." said Sarah as she announced the winner of this epic fight.


Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 9

After the epic fight between Rochelle and Darlene was over everybody resume have fun with the party. The seven teenagers check to see how Rochelle is doing.

"Dang, girl you sure beat up Darlene real good." said Eric as he was impress by Rochelle fighting skills.

"Rochelle are you ok?" asked Kyle.

"I'm fine." Rochelle replied back to her brother.

"I think it's time to end this party right now. This party have gone chaotic long enough." said Kenny.

"Attention everybody! The party is over! Everybody go home now!" He exclaim to get everybody attention but nobody isn't paying attention.

"Uh Kenny I don't think they're not leaving." said Sarah.

"Ok everybody I mean it. If you don't leave right away my parents will come home and they will destroyed all of you. They're evil wizards and they know how to used the most powerfuls spells such as meteor swarm." said Kenny as he lied to the guest.

"No they're not. I know your parents very well. They're the most nicest wizards that I know. I should know because I'm their next door neighbor." said a young male half-orc commoner who was very tall, muscular build, bald and shaved and gray-skinned.

"Thanks a lot Korc." said Kenny sarcastically.

"Well Kenny do you have another other plans to get rid of your guest." asked Stan.

"Look everybody is the Demon Lord Pazazu coming to invade the house!" said Kenny as he attempt to lie to his guest once again.

"My party fought Pazazu and we beat him." said a male human adventurer who happen to be a fighter. He appears to be tall, muscular build, light skinned, brown hair and brown mustache and beard.

"I'm right low on ideas. None of the guest won't leave. I'm praying a miracle if everybody leave." said Kenny as he was thinking a way to get rid in his guest in his mansion.

Suddenly not far from the Pentacles mansion. A male Great Wyrm Red Dragon was flying from the skies seeking to cause destruction.

"Which should to destroy first?" said the Male Great Wyrm Red Dragon as he spotted the Pentacles mansion. The dragon roared.

Back at the Pentacles mansion Kenny heard something.

"What is that noise?" asked Kenny as he went to the backyard at the back of the house. He saw the red dragon as the dragon approaches the Pentacles house. Kenny went back to the house and warning everybody.

"Everybody is a Great Wyrm Red Dragon! Run for your lives." said Kenny.

"Oh kid give it up already. No one is falling...." said a male adventurer who happen to be a rogue but he was intterupted by the rogue." Everybody will outside and saw the Male Great Wyrm Red Dragon.

"Well it's looks like that all of you are having a house party. Well I'm afraid that I'm going to end this house party short." said the red dragon.


Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 10

Everybody is scared of the male great wyrm red dragon presence.

"Allow me to introduced myself. I'm Smoake The Dwarfbane. And your time is cut short." said Smoake.

"This is bad. Maybe I can convinced him not to destroyed and to spare everybody lives." said Kenny.

"Oh yeah, like you tried to ask everybody to leave the mansion and they didn't listen to you." replied Eric to remind him his past attempts to convince everybody to leave.

"Who knows maybe he'll listen to me." replied Kenny confidently back to Eric. Kenny approaches to Smoake.

"Hey Smoake The Dwarfbane. Hi my name is Kenny Pentacles and I'm in charge of this mansion. Well you see my parents let me in charge of taking care of the mansion while they're adventuring. Well Long story short my friend convinced me to have a house party and so I did. Things get pretty chaotic and so forth which leads to this. So what I'm saying is if you spare everybody lives and my mansion from destroyed it and kindly asked you leave that would be a big help in your part and everyone elses. So what do you say?" asked Kenny.

"If I was human and if you were my kid and if I found out you disobeyed me I would punished you severely the very worst way possible. And so for your deal this place have little to no interest to me. I was just curious to see what's going on in here. Also I'm not going to take your deal." said Smoake as he breathes fire targeting the mansion which set the mansion on fire.

"My mansion!" Kenny yelled.

"And as for everyone else, everyone dies." said Smoake.

"Not if we can help it. Everybody! Attack the dragon." said O'Brien The Destroyer as various type adventurers attack the dragon. The non adventurers tried to douse the fire with water. Kenny, Sarah, Stan, Bonnie, Kyle, Rochelle, Eric and Nancy run away for safety. One of the Wizard cast Polar Ray spell which shoot ice ray on Smoake The Dwarfsbane damaging him effectively. A cleric cast Storm Of Vengeance spell on Smoake on created a huge black storm. A Rogue shoots his Crossbow at Smoake successfully hit the dragon. O'Brien attack Smaoke with the his bastard sword and slash Smaoke.

"Fools is that the best you could do?" asked Smoake.



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