The Journey to Becoming a Death Knight - Myth-Weavers

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World of Farland

A world conquered by evil and ruled by the Lords of Sin; A unique campaign setting designed to be used with all editions of D&D.


The Journey to Becoming a Death Knight

   
The Journey to Becoming a Death Knight

Among the Lord of Wrath's 7 Commanders is a Death Knight. I wrote Sir Cosmas Von Mattian's background about how he became a death knight around the same time that I posted the suggestion for the 7 Commanders (which I should be able to get back to finishing soon).

I originally didn't post this because it was darker than I had intended (and that was after toning it down). However, I wrote this for Farland, so it would be silly for me not to post it.


I like it. Nothing wrong with dark. Although I don't really get him "blaming" his horse. Also, maybe it might work better if he killed himself instead of "tripping" and chopping himself. Just some suggestions.

Anger is a very dangerous emotion. When people get furious enough, they can loose all sense of reason. He was so wrought with grief, and he was so furious formerly at the town, and now so confused about how this happened, his mind went haywire. Since it was physically the horse that stomped her to death, that is what led him in his pre-psychotic meltdown state of mind led him to believe. Him blaming his horse was one more thing that sealed his fate into becoming a death knight. He kills or at least tries to kill everyone he cares about including his horse. It would be nice to make that more clear, but I'm not sure how to word it in a way that doesn't sound like the psychoanalysis I just did.

I try to allude to the fact that his "tripping" was caused by (Mr. Mage). By that point, he had completely lost it. I said that he was afraid of the consequences of his, how he would be punished. Perhaps I should emphasize that he was afraid of death? Because it seems like seppuku would be the best way he could redeem himself (aside from, you know, devoting his life to doing good... like he already had... as he was a paladin...). My point is, he died in the very act of trying to massacre an entire town which he had sworn to defend.

Cool story Hamnier. I agree with you both that the scene when he kills the horse needs more explanation. I also come away feeling confused in general. I think there needs to be more work letting the reader know what the mage is up to and how it is possible that he returned to his manor and flew into a rage because his wife had left for the town. Obviously some illusory magic is involved, but I think the reader needs to know alot more about this so it doesn't just come across as a trick. I agree with Farland that the death is hard to believe as well. Again you obviously have some idea of how the mage helped to bring this about, but the reader doesn't know anything about it. Maybe if you worked some hints into the story. Hope you don't mind the constructive criticism. I really like the story in general just think it still needs some work.

I'm excited to see how this develops.

I do appreciate both critiques, hardly anything could be fixed if no one points out what's wrong. I admit I was being a bit defensive at first, though now that there are two witnesses, I can't ignore the problems. I just need to figure out how to implement the extra info without losing the general flow of the story.

No worries. No one's writing is as good as it can ultimately be when it is in early draft stages. If you want to see something interesting you should see the early drafts of Lord of the Rings. They look nothing like he finished work and are generally pretty bad.

Lol, I didn't know those were available for the public to see. :P Didn't he spend a good couple decades writing those (not including the years he spent getting his language degrees)?

It definitely took him years, and much revisions.

(Sir Dead) is Davenian, and I'm trying to decipher how to arrange his name. He is a Driddaren who serves the Barron of Irrol, which is why he has such a nice manor (north at the mouth of the Southflow River). Would "Sir" be part of his title, or is Driddaren noble enough for "Von"?

I'm thinking of Cosmas Mattian (Sir Cosmas Von Mattian) for his name as of now. Thoughts?

This is one of many edits I'm making to the story. I'm adding lots of thing to fit the location and time, such as using the threat of undead as part of why it sort-of makes sense that he flys off the handle at the servants for letting his wife go to town alone.

Yes, I think that name works. Nice!







 

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