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Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 2

One hour later, Sarah just eating her lunch at the kitchen. She ate salad for lunch. The Pentacles family are very nutritious family as well. They eat healthy foods. Someone was knocking at the front door. Kenny approached the door to see who is it.

"Who is it?" asked Kenny as he looks at the front door.

"Is your three best friends in Vex. Eric, Stan and Kyle." Eric replied to Stan.

"Come on in you guys." Kyle greeted as he open the door to his friends.

His three friend when inside the house. Eric Swords is a light build male human commoner. He got short brown hair, light skinned and appear to be the same height and age as Kenny. Stan Wands is a medium build male human commoner. He very muscular. He's got short red hair and also appear to be the same height and age as Kenny as well. And lastly there Kyle Cups is a light build male human commoner. He got short blond hear and also appear to be the same height and age as Kenny as well.

"Dudes, what's up?" asked Stan as he happy to see his friend Kenny.

"Great. Stan." replied back to Stan. Sarah approaches to Kenny and his three friends.

"Hi Eric and Stan. Hey Kyle." said Sarah as she spoke romantically to Kyle.

"Hey Sarah. My love." Kyle reply back to see his girlfriend Sarah and he approached to Sarah. He kissed Sarah on the cheek.

"Oh my darling, how I missed you so much." said Kyle with passion.

"Kyle you see me everyday. In school and weekends as well." said Sarah as well.

"Settled down Romeo." said Kenny as he reminds him to tone down the romantic antics.

"Sorry about that. I get carried away." said Kyle as he chills out the romance.

"Anyway guys. Guess what. My parents are on out for adventuring. So I have the whole house to myself and also taking care of Sarah as well." said Kenny. His friends are surprised to see that Kenny is in charged of the house unsupervised.

"Are you serious?!" asked Stan with shocking expression.

"Yes." repiled Kenny.

"You know what that means. PARTY AT KENNY HOUSE!" said Eric as he expressed with excitement.

"No party." Kenny replied with disappointment.

"What do you mean no party? Dude, you have to have a party." said Eric as he tried to convinced him.

"I made a promise to my parent that there won't be any party under no circumstances." replied to Kenny as he explained to Eric about the promise that his parent made.

"Dude, rules are meant to be broken and promised are meant to be broken as well. If you throw a house party. You'll be the most popular person in Vex. Think about it, you'll be invited so many people. Adventurers, Non-Adventurers, kids at school. You'll get a chance to hook up with Kyle younger sister Rochelle." said Eric.

"Rochelle..... Ok let do it. Let throw a house party." said Kenny as he was convinced to Eric persuasion. The four boys cheer.

TO BE CONTINUED

I edited the grammar in the second chapter for you. You can read it in my first reply post on page 1 of this thread.

So, on a scale of 1 to 5, how do you feel about your story so far?
  1. It's a mess, and I'm not enjoying it.
  2. It's not good, but it could be with a lot of work.
  3. It's ok for a rough draft, but it needs something to make it good.
  4. It's pretty good, but it needs a little fine tuning.
  5. It's perfect, and I love it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
I edited the grammar in the second chapter for you. You can read it in my first reply post on page 1 of this thread.

So, on a scale of 1 to 5, how do you feel about your story so far?
  1. It's a mess, and I'm not enjoying it.
  2. It's not good, but it could be with a lot of work.
  3. It's ok for a rough draft, but it needs something to make it good.
  4. It's pretty good, but it needs a little fine tuning.
  5. It's perfect, and I love it.
I'll give it a four. It's looks like that I'm improving my writing a lot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
Ok... what area (or aspect) of the story so far would you like to fine tune?
It needs to be more funny and hilarious.

Hmm... ok. You're still introducing characters, setting, and plot, so that's tricky.

A few things that come to mind are:
  1. Character attitude
  2. Antics and minor hijinks
  3. Romantic tension/awkwardness

Character attitude:
Have the characters "introduce" themselves and display a personality quirk that is notable. Eric is kind of pushy, so let's play on that...

Quote:
Eric Swords, the first to enter, is a slender male human commoner. He has short brown hair, light skin, and appears to be the same height and age as Kenny. He slaps Kenny hard on his bony shoulder, and laughs boisterously. "Hey, nutsack! It's about time you let us in. I'm starving! Where's the snacks?" Without waiting for permission, he charges in the the kitchen and comes back out with a handful of chips and plops down on your sofa. He shoves the fistful of potato in his mouth and crunches a few times, while wearing a huge smile that quickly wilts. His face screws up tight and he spits the mushy mouthful into a waste basket. "Dude! Are you trying to kill me with this health food crap? Potato chips are supposed to be bad for you, man! These low calorie, zero trans-fat, sodium free chips taste like vegan tree bark!"
Antics and minor hijinks:
There isn't a lot of room for antics yet, but having having the boys rough house or playing pranks on each other while Sarah and Kenny look at them like they're idiots could help with that. Think That 70s Show. Basically, Kelso or Fez almost never walked into Eric's house without doing something zany. It's good for stock laughs. This isn't my brand of humor, so I can't offer any real suggestions for it though.

Romantic Tension/Awkwardness:
The romance between Sarah and Kyle is obviously very heated. They don't seem to be able to keep their hands off each other. And that would be very awkward for Kenny. There's also room for a budding secret crush between one of the other friends and Sarah or Kyle that makes them want to break up the smooch fest. During the dialog where they are setting up plans for the party, throw in lines like this:

Quote:
"Would you guys cut it out?!" Kenny shrieks tensely when he catches Sarah and Kyle tickling each other in the back of the room.
or

Quote:
"Oh my gods, I'm gonna throw up," groans Kenny when he catches the syrupy couple groping each other. "Focus!" he snaps at them. Sarah and Kyle bolt upwards and adjust their hair and clothes. "What? We weren't doing anything. I was listening. You promised your dad no parties. What?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by inexorabletruth View Post
Hmm... ok. You're still introducing characters, setting, and plot, so that's tricky.

A few things that come to mind are:
  1. Character attitude
  2. Antics and minor hijinks
  3. Romantic tension/awkwardness

Character attitude:
Have the characters "introduce" themselves and display a personality quirk that is notable. Eric is kind of pushy, so let's play on that...



Antics and minor hijinks:
There isn't a lot of room for antics yet, but having having the boys rough house or playing pranks on each other while Sarah and Kenny look at them like they're idiots could help with that. Think That 70s Show. Basically, Kelso or Fez almost never walked into Eric's house without doing something zany. It's good for stock laughs. This isn't my brand of humor, so I can't offer any real suggestions for it though.

Romantic Tension/Awkwardness:
The romance between Sarah and Kyle is obviously very heated. They don't seem to be able to keep their hands off each other. And that would be very awkward for Kenny. There's also room for a budding secret crush between one of the other friends and Sarah or Kyle that makes them want to break up the smooch fest. During the dialog where they are setting up plans for the party, throw in lines like this:


or
Those are some great tips. I'll extended the humorous a bit more.

Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 3

Sarah approached to Kenny. Eric went to the kitchen to get something to eat. While Stan and Kyle roughhousing.

"Kenny are you out of your mind. Mom and Dad said not to have a party period!" said Sarah in a serious tone.

"I know what Mom and Dad told me but Eric forced my hand to convinced me to have a party." said replied Kenny.

"And will Eric convinced you to fight a demon lord named Pazuzu without any spells and weapons." asked Sarah.

"Yes but this doesn't have anything to do with Eric convincing me to fight Pazuzu or any other Demon Lord at this point. This is about having a house party and how can I pull it off without our parents knowing about it." replied Kenny calmly.

"Oh for Orc sake, big brother tell me you got a foolproof plan to pull this house party off?" asked Sarah as she worried about the outcome with this party.

"Sure my friends and I just make flyers about hundred of them and we give it out to people the whole town of Vex. Then the house party will run smoothly as plan, if there's a problem at the house party, I'll kicked the troublemakers out and tell them to beat it. Trust me everything with turned out great and I really don't think there won't a problem. Oh yeah and one more thing. Don't tell mom and dad about out secret house party, please little sister?" asked Kenny as he begged his sister just betweem themselves.

"Sure. Just give me 50 gold pieces, then we'll have a deal." said Sarah as she try to negotiate a deal to her brother not to tell.

"What?! Are you crazy that's my whole allowance." replied Kenny he was offended of the outrageous deal.

"50 gold pieces. Take it or I'll tell mom and dad when they come back home." said Sarah as she blackmailing her brother.

"Fine. 50 gold pieces." said Kenny as he give her sister 50 gold pieces.

"Pleasure doing business with you big brother." said Sarah as she smiles. Eric was searching for junk food in the kitchen.

"Yo, Dorkface. Your parents sucks when it comes to food." said Eric as he continued to search for junk food.

"You won't find junk food in this house. I can assure you Eric." replied Kenny honestly. Eric found a white cake with white frosting.

"All right, finally some junk food. You were saying dweeb?" said Eric as took a piece of that cake.

"Eric that Mushroom cake with blue cheese frosting in it." repiled Kenny as he warned Eric. Eric spit the Mushroom cake with blue cheese frosting.

"Yuck how can your family eat this garbage?!" asked Eric angily.

"With exercise and good healthy food choices." repiled Kenny.

"I prefer junk rather than this heathy crap." said Eric.

"Ok guys we got a lot of work to do. We're going to make flyers for my house party. Eric, Stan and Kyle. let hop to it." said Kenny. 10 minutes later the four boys and Sarah was making flyers for the House Party. The flyers said House Party at 56 Diamond Street. (That the address of the Pentacles house) Everybody is invited, Adventurers, Non-Adventurers. There will be food, drinks, music and dancing. It start at 6 P.M. One house later they made over 100 of flyers. The four boys and Sarah was giving out flyers to random people in Vex. Stan put one of the flyers on the town bulletin board. Eric put the flyers on the house. So they spread the word all over the town of Vex. As soon as they finished the task they return to the manison. Soon they start setting up the house party. All the food and drinks was there. Kenny hired a band of bards for the music.

"There everything is all set. And now we play the waiting game." said Kenny as he, Sarah and the three boys. Someone is knocking at the door.

"And so the house party begins right about now." said Kenny confidently.

TO BE CONTINUED

Pathfinder: House Party Of Chaos

Chapter 4

Sarah open the door. It turned out to be a male human adventurer who happen to be a bard accompanied by various of other people. The bard is light skinned, light build, one hair and he's wearing a traditional jester outfit.

"We're hear for the house party." said the male bard making sure that this was the right place.

"Y'all at the right place. Everyone come in." said Sarah as everyone run inside the house. So many variety of people was there adventurer, non-adventurers, kids at school, people at the neighborhood, epic adventurers. Soon after hundreds of people was at the party. Suddenly Sarah's three friends showed up. The first friend was Bonnie Wands, she has long red hair, muscular build, light skinned and appear to be the same age and height as Sarah. Then there was Rochelle Cups. She got short cfrizzled blond hair, light build, light skinned and also appear to be the same height and age as Sarah. And last there was Nancy Swords. She has short brown hair with a ponytail. She light build and light skinned. She also appear and the same height and age as Sarah.

"Hey sister. How are you doing?" asked Rochelle.

"Great." replied Sarah.

"We saw this flyer saying that you're having a house party. We can't turn that down." said Bonnie.

"Just for the record this was my brother idea. Not mine to begin with. I only went along with because he claims that he's going to pull this house party off without our parents knowing about. Also Eric was the one who convinced him to have a house party and he went along with it." said Sarah.

"What a dork. My brother is such a doofus. Why did he have to listen to him." asked Nancy with as stern remark.

"Because they're friends that why." replied Sarah.

"Now that we're here I'm going to get acquainted with emos. Hopefully some necromancers if I'm lucky." said Nancy. Kenny approached to Sarah and her three friends.

"Ladies I'm so glad that you came. Make yourself at home and enjoyed the party." said Kenny. As Sarah, Bonnie and Nancy dispersed to their separate ways. Leaving Kenny and Rochelle to send their time on themselves.

"Hi Rochelle." said Kenny.

"Hi Kenny. Great party. Did your family make this party?" asked Rochelle curiosity.

"Well my sister and my friends did including your brother Kyle. My parents are in an adventure right now and they have no idea that I'm having a house party." said Kenny confidently.

"Really? Wow. That's so blazing rad." said Rochelle.

"Beside. This party is turning out ok so far. I mean nothing can possibly go wrong." said Kenny.

As everyone was having fun at the house party, Two teenage Drow, one male and female show up far away from the mansion. The male teenage Drow has white long hair he was tall, muscular build, Pitch black skinned and he was wearing dark clothes. The female teenage Drow also has long white hair, Light build, tall but a few inches shorter than the male teenage Drow. She was also wearing dark clothes. She was a year younger than the male Drow as well.

"Well it looks like rich boy is having a house party." said the male Drow.

"Yes dear brother. Let go to the party and we should have fun of own. In the most sinster way possible." said the female Drow as both laugh very evil and sinster.

TO BE CONTINUED

Here's a tool that helped me improve my writing by leaps and bounds. I'll go through and give specific advice later, but for now, I cannot recommend putting your chapters into this baby and using its advice. Do keep in mind that it *is* an auto-tool; it's not perfect, and it cannot understand that part of a writer's skills is knowing when to break the rules... but it will help you learn the rules.

http://www.hemingwayapp.com







 

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