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Notice of suspension of all activities

   
Notice of suspension of all activities

I didn't feel like making the same post a million times, so I figured I'd just make a topic here: if someone could be so kind as to please notify everyone in my various games, that would be a great help for me.

I won't beat the dog around the bush: I'm dying. The next month is going to be the final rush for medics to finally figure out the root of the malady that is devouring me, and identify a cure. I'm going to spend most of the month going in and out of the hospital, and frankly, what few time I'm going to have I'd rather spend doing other things: this website is just not a priority, I'm sorry to say. If a cure can be found and my conditions improve, coming back here will be the first thing I'll do, so yeah, if I feel better you guys will be the first to know. If not... Well, I hate to sound overly dramatic, but you should really assume the worst.

This is not a farewell. I don't want it to be a farewell. If this tiny flicker of a life bears any significance in God's universal scheme, then I pray to Him to let this be, well, not a farewell.
What really terrifies me, and sorry for going into heavy talk here but I really need to vent this, what really terrifies me is that I've had such a meaningless life. My dreams were silly, nebulous, and easily shattered, my relationships were superficial and shallow, my daily routine was boring and devoid of wonder. I never managed to establish a healthy relationship with my parents, I never had true friends to share my innermost feelings with, I never had a SO who truly loved me, beyond the somewhat childish "yeah we're an item now, we should probably kiss or bang or something".
If such a barren life, that never knew true love, were to end tomorrow, then what was the point in being born at all? I felt terrifyingly alone my whole life, and now that for the first time I truly find myself forced to contemplate the reality of death, now that my left arm is going limp and my other limbs are slowly, painfully following suit, now that the mere act of drawing breath is becoming a challenge, I can't help but wonder: if I lived alone and died alone, then it must mean that my existence didn't leave any sort of impact or impression on anybody... And if that is the case, did I even exist at all? Or was it all a cruel illusion, destined to end as quickly as it started?

That's why I'm begging you, from the bottom of my heart, and believe me when I say this is not some sappy stock message, I really do believe every single word: you, at least, must never forget me. The people who laughed at my witty jokes, the people who enjoyed my memes, the people I taught MtG, the people whose D&D games I mastered: knowing that even one single person in the world ever smiled because of me won't make me any less scared, any less depressed, any less desperate as this horrifying situation keeps worsening.
But it will make it hurt a little less.

And who knows? Perhaps in one month I'll be back here, laughing with all of you at how cringe-worthy this post was, and how disproportionately dramatic it sounded compared to an emergency that, all in all, was easily solved. I pray this will be the case.

Catherine...there aren't even words....

I never got the chance to know you, though every time you would advertise one of your JRPG games, I would always take a look, because they always sounded amazing, and yes, your zany descriptions always brought a smile to my face. I always considered applying, but mostly they were in 5E and I haven't taken the time to really learn it yet...something to add to the bucket list. But I got the opportunity to get to know you, just a little bit, when you asked for, and I created a game for, you to learn Spheres for Pathfinder. And I'm glad I did.

May God bless and keep you, and in a month, when you've kicked this illness' ass, I'll look for you to pop up in the game dedicated to you.

Au Revoir pas Adieu
(Until we meet again, not Goodbye)
Ark

That sounds, absolutely awful.
We've never interacted as far as I can tell, but I hope you pull through and manage to use this to live a more fulfilling life.

Hang in there, Cathy. You can get through this. You better, in fact. Because you've got games to run and play in, people to chat it up with, and many years of good times ahead of you.

We'll be waiting for you to get back. Until then, take care of yourself.

As Arklytte said, there aren’t words. I have only had one brief exchange with you on the forums, but I’ve read several of your advertisements and other posts, and I can promise you that I will remember them.

I hope that you get through this.

Everything has a purpose, clocks tell the time, trains take you to places. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too.

-Hugo

Please dont give up on yourself. Not physically, not mentally. Don't accept, never accept, that this is it. Direct every bit of attention to your body, do everything you can, and before anything else, have the right mindset. Don't just accept what you're told; doctors have been wrong before. If you believe in God, even a tiny bit, then pray. I don't know your faith, or if yours is the same as mine - were I in your place, I would ask for a communion just for some peace of mind. I apologize if this is an unwelcome suggestion, but you were serious and honest with us, and I felt I had to be as well. I would never mention this on a forum, otherwise.

Your life is not meaningless. It may seem to you that it was, and you may be unhappy with things that happened, but you were are a positive impact on a great many people around you! It may have been through just a kind word, or a smile - many more people remember you better than you realize, or think well of you. I myself have not talked with you that much, but I will always remember the goblins game you ran for us, and the hilarious adventures of the band of goblin misfits! It was very fun to play! I will also remember reading the advertisements of yours that I came across - the ones for various anime-influenced games, which I was sorely tempted to apply to but ended up unfortunately passing by. I remember particularly well that idea for a game of yours set in Carrion Crown where you wanted to play that vampire who was made to escort the other player around and discover the story with a more comedic and fun kind of setting. That, in fact, was what ended up want to play it much later... Its a shame we didnt talk more - I used to play MtG a lot years back.

Your post is anything but cringy. Don't lose hope. Fight!

"All wisdom of the human race is contained in these two words - wait and hope." - Alexandre Dumas, from 'The Count of Monte Cristo.'

And so we - all of us - will be here waiting for you, and hoping!

I am sorry to hear of your worsening condition, Catherine. I can only echo what others have said, and wish you the best of luck, and for a speedy recovery. If there is one thing I believe in, it is that there is nothing more valuable than life. Fight for it. Never give up, never give in.

You have only GM'd for me on the 'Weave a short while, and it has moved about as fast as any game (for which I apologize - I have long sought to be a more consistent poster), but you have always been willing to keep moving it forward, to keep expanding the small world.

As for whether life has meaning or not, I'm afraid I don't have answers, only my own personal beliefs. Every action one takes, every word spoken, every idea expressed, has impact. Some are big, some are small, but all affect the world and the people around us, who then change based on that impact. It could be something as big as debunking Einstein, or it could be something as small as complimenting a person on a piece of writing.

So if you're wondering about your impact on the world, I can tell you one small part. A few months back, you put up an ad for a game. I saw the ad, read the character prompt, and put something together for it. A couple days later, you came back and praised me for having put together a character that you called "all-around outstanding work". It was a little comment, and I don't know if you thought too much of it at the time. But that has been the greatest praise I have ever received for my writing on this site to date. And whenever I have tried to put together an application for another game, I often find myself referencing back to that one character - what did I do there? What made that one stand out? Intentionally or unintentionally, you set a new writing standard for me. And all that took was one small comment, one little post. Life is not meaningless. You have had impact, whether you see it or not.

So we'll wait for you here. Make sure to catch the sunrise - Estelle always thought that they gave hope. I promise I'll be here when you are ready to continue, as you have continually been for me.

We haven’t really gamed together yet, but best wishes. I’m rooting for you!

Every time you smiled at a child or an over-worked store clerk, you made a meaningful difference in the world. Every time you posted here and made someone excited to open their email, you made a meaningful difference in the world.

We only had a few small interactions in one game, but I am happy for that. I have faith that you will find a solution to what you're facing and you will be back posting soon.

If you do not return, I know of a little psuedo-dragon that is plotting on stealing a particular hellknight's magic ring. With your permission, perhaps he will be successful before she rides onto her next mission, and perhaps he will keep it as keepsake of her for many, many years.







 

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