Non Sequitur

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1001 things I'm not allowed to do.

714) While the word "dildo" does make people giggle, it is not appropriate to plot with the (at the time) DM's girlfriend to not only invent but cast the spell "Prismatic Dildo Swarm" at the approaching BBG.

715. I am no longer allowed to throw an entire Necklace of Fireballs at anything.

716. I am not allowed create a Ranger with maximum skill points in diplomacy/animal empathy with the intent of spending all my time in the woods gathering an army of bears.
717. If I do, they may not be Dire Bears.
718. If I gather an army of Dire Bears I am not allowed to have the party druid buff these Dire Bears and send them to attack the villagers for chopping down too many trees.
719. I am no longer allowed to play a Ranger (or Druid)
720. I am not allowed to encourage the cat to jump on dice.

721. I am not allowed to create Pun Pun
722. I am not allowed to create a campaign where the players have to fight Pun Pun
723. I am no longer to look use anything I found on the internet even if it is core.
724. When asked what the tavern people are eating I am not allowed to say "Flaming Hot Cheetos"
725. If the players eat in a seedy tavern and are rude to the waitress/free dc 12 sex not allowed to let the NPC rub the players food over her crotch to give the players herpes.
726. I am not allowed to give the players diseases. Ever.
727. If the party needs 2000 more gold so that they can hire a ship to take them further in the adventure I am not allowed to sell the elf to the first people in turbans I see.
728. I am not allowed to sell the elf to people not in turbans either.
729. Through the Fire and Flames is not a bard song to be used in combat.
730. Especially if you insist on playing it every time you use a song.
731. If playing a sword sage I am not allowed to charge anything ever.

732. When generating a player for an Asian-themed game, I am not allowed to create a female "sword"-master and name her Asa Akira.

733. I am not allowed to create a ninja with the intent of going into ninja spy, maxing out my jump, and then roll a natural 20. The target, the moon.

734. I am not allowed to brew decaf for our all-night gaming session, even if I'm convinced that they nobody can tell the difference.
735. When I am DMing a live session, I am not allowed to send whole plot in a new direction (spontaneously) while under the influence of sleep deprivation, caffeine, cold medicine, the 'crash' after working on my dissertation all day, or any combination of those factors. (Don't allow me to make any major life decisions then, either.)
736. When I'm playing a bard, I'm not allowed to go over to a piano or keyboard and start playing it when I use Bardic Music. (Just because my character has ranks in the Perform skill, it doesn't mean that I do.)
737. I'm not allowed to justify my performance by taking the "Sickening Sonata" feat. (Neither am I allowed to justify taking the "Sickening Sonata" feat by my performance.)

738. I am not allowed to have my pixie wizard use the cantrip "launch bolt" with colossal crossbow bolts pulled out of a haversack/bag of holding, whilst at the same time making all kinds of "missiles away" and other air force alluding jokes.

739. I am not allowed to carry any of them over the shoulder and call them an "RPG" either.

740. If I make an illusionist, I am not allowed to make him create pictures that, even after you disbelieve them, you can't unsee.
741. Even if I'm playing an evil campaign.
742. If another Player does something better than my Character does, I should roll up a new character.

743. I am not allowed to use my leadership feat with the express purpose of acquiring numerous level 1 wizards with the eschew materials feat and have them all use launch bolt to launch colossal bolts since the bolts cost less than 1 gp.
744. If my character gets a wish it cannot be used to wish that we had the adventure over again. Nor am I allowed to wish for an xbox even if xbox's exist in that world. If the DM is stupid/foxy enough to give me an xbox it does not come with any games or cables.

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