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Hopefully the intro to a novel

Hopefully the intro to a novel

I started working on this piece in the last few days of last month. I know it is a it rough, but I hope to expand my writing ability and actually turn this idea into a novel. Currently, I am writing it without any names or a title. I am trying to let the story unfold on its own. Any criticism you offer will be gladly accepted.

With this intro I am trying to have the reader be drawn in with questions about how the man became the way he is. Where his ability comes from, and how the paranormal aspects like travel near the end work. Hopefully it is intriguing without being cumbersome.

Edits have been made from this first version. I have no real training with writing so I hope I fixed most of the tense issues.

Interesting, and compelling enough to warrant the rest of your ideas. I've always been enticed by the idea of a seer or superior being amongst us. The man can be presented with an even greater use for his abilities, maybe a grand adventure or some important one wherein he can use his powers for greater good. It has possibilities to go many ways.

You may want to combine several sentences, unless you wish to create a short, abrupt style here to accentuate the simplicity of what his work is, at this point. The descriptions are good and help to color his world. I'd be interested in seeing where this leads you.

I hope you haven't detailed an outline of what direction you want to take this. I find the best writing comes from such a short 'play' and builds naturally, as you seem to have a vivid imagination. The introduction of focal points (trinkets in the box) is important - we all have them, and those of super 'powers' must have them as well, and they may be more important than you think as the story unfolds in your mind. Who knows, maybe that woman may come back later in a vignette or as a minor character.

Well, the easiest critique comes first - your tenses are all muddled, and need to be sorted. Are you working in past tense, or present?

That being said - I enjoyed it overall, and want to know more. I think you could use some work on the dialogue - it didn't flow well, and it had the feeling of being presented to be heard or read, rather than actual things you would say when no one is looking. You may want to run these three characters through the month's exercises, particularly the ones that develop voice and body language.

Your sentences are a little choppy, but I think with some editing you could tighten those up as well. Overall, I like what you're doing, and I'd like to read more. Technically it's a little rough, but the foundation is there for a good story.

I do NOT have an outline for where this story will go. I am trying to develop it more as a series of scenes creating a larger picture. I know what is going to happen next but nothing more than that as of now.

I am going to go back through and change all the tenses to past for this section. After which, the story is going to be told as a narrative from a new character about to be introduced.

Dialogue is the hardest thing for me to write. However, some of the choppiness with the man's is intended. He is frustrated, and to begin with in this scene is short of temper. I was trying to make him strait to the point, and not empathetic until she returns the second time.

I have posted an edited version along with the original form in the first post above. Hopefully, this helps with the readability.

Nice edit.

A few things you might want to change to make it flow a little more:
Inside the very old box were around a dozen random trinkets on top of a crust of black char--a fresh water pearl rosary with a silver crucifix, a gold bracelet, and a pair of shoddy red sunglasses to name a few. He dropped the watch into the box and placed everything back where it was , and . hid the box behind some files in the cabinet.

Also, watch your "it's" (conjunction) vs. "its" (posessive). That always throws me too.

I like your ability to paint a picture - I could feel like I wassitting in the office.

The 'outline' for your story isn't always in the form of a bulletted list, but sometimes in the form of several scenes or blurbs, which in this case (along with what you are yet to write) can be as effective an outline as anything else. So using 'parts', 'pieces' or'prompts' like this is effective.

As with the 21 day project, giving your characters their own method of speech lends well to differentiating them later. This guy seems to be going through a lot of emotions, a lot of torture, which I suspect you'll show as you go on through his speech.

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