August 20, 2013

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Zenya Campos


Diary Entry

Night. The house is quiet this eve as most of the women are upstairs having a group session. I opted out, for soon Ryan will be here and I’ll be meeting the others for the first time. Jessie is still as vocal as ever, and shows no signs of stopping. Even now, while I sit in this corner writing my thoughts, he’s carrying on. Over and over again about how wrong I am, how I should just go out in a blaze of glory. Ha! I feel I could just shout at him about how he chose to; no. I don’t want to really think about that. Though, shouting never does me any good. He already knows my every thought, and anticipates an argument. Best I just keep my mouth shut – it maintains some form of peace – if I even deserve any.

Naturally, he’d only just disagree and carry on – well, much in the way he is now.

Yes, I know you see what I write…you hear it before it even reaches the page. It doesn’t matter, because you chose your ending. I am re-writing mine. Oh, well fine, if you think Ryan and I were better – He’s a good man. He has never touched me, and I wouldn’t – Yes. I understand…and I always will be, but that isn’t the…fine.

Where was I…ah yes. The meeting. I suppose we will be doing the things that we do. Oh, I’m not exactly sure how I will be able to handle a crowded church, but I will do my best to attend. I don’t think it will go well, though. I suppose it just depends on how many people are in attendance. And Ryan will be…no. That’s never a good idea. I’ll have him wait in the car, yes. He should be safe there – it will never be like it was before.

No, Jessie…he’s not stupid – it was my mistake that tied him to me. Either way – it’s done already! Let me finish, please. I promise, I’ll do better.

I can’t write with all of your shouting! No, I don’t think I’m a coward…because. I’m choosing to write my replies to you rather than give in to a verbal argume-you know why I can’t yell back. Because they’ll hear me, and they’ll try to stop you again. Exactly my point. So be silent for the few…I just …yes. I heard it too.

The cab is finally here, I’ll write again once this is all over.

Until next time,

Zen.


Same night, different book.

I met the others this evening. Jessie, please don't read over my shoulder if you are there...let me have this moment.

Yes, some were men - though I don't see how that has any relevance anymore. This body doesn't feel the same as it did before. I don't think I could ever view any of them in the way I viewed Jessie. Especially the one who's crazy. Ha! And they all thought I was the insane one. Fancy that.

I don't know what the deal is with the others just yet - but I don't trust anyone. I am rather curious about the one who didn't need a blade...that was the highlight of my evening. I have never witnessed anything like it - oh I wish I could write more on that, but if the wrong people ever got a hold of this...well **** you.

I'm sorry, Jessie...I know how much you don't approve of that, but it slipped out. Besides, I didn't actually SAY it-so it shouldn't count.

Still being quiet, I take it...well no matter, more time for me to unravel this web of thoughts. I don't exactly know where else to start that wouldn't incriminate anyone else - only that, I absolutely adore Emily. She's so confident...so sure of herself. I don't know if it's the blood talking, or...something else.

I should stop for now. There is so much more, but the sun will be up soon...and I'm terribly exhausted.

Until next time,

Zen