Race Time
Step 1: Make Car Go Space
As soon as the the countdown reaches two, Velocipede Excelsior slams on the gas. He's played enough racing games to know that this will give him a speed boost when--woah woah wait no brake stop! The car had started moving instead of revving up, and he almost crossed the starting line. That would have been an instant disqualification, but he saved it just in--wait, shoot, it started! Go, go, go!
He's lost a bit of time, but he'll catch up. He speeds forward across the ground, moving faster and faster. In just ten seconds, he's hurtling past 70mph. Fifteen more and he's at 80. The car thudders and bounces on the rock as the speedometer moves higher and higher. 81, 82, 83...84......85............86........................87
Almost there. He looks around and realizes no one else is in sight. Is he already that far ahead?
87.5...87.6...
Almost
.8
.9
88 miles per hour! As soon as he hits that key threshold, he flips the TURBO switch, and 1.21 gigawatts of electricity course through the Oily Thunder, immediately detonating the first bombConventional, of course, don't worry about it, which sends the whole contraption hurtling into the sky. Gravity being what it is here, it goes and goes into space. Now it's time to wait.
After a fair bit, long enough to be polite about the radiation, the soon-to-be champion of champions pulls a lever and the trunk of the car pops open, and slowly, slowly a package floats out, just behind the vehicle. Now comes the fun part.
Velocipede Excelsior might not know much, might not get stuff, and might not understand things, but he has determination, which is more important than anything else. And he's determined to win. And that determines his course of action.
What's the best propulsion system in the universe? Khylokian Fusion 'sploders, probably. What's the downside? 'sploding, probably.
But what could prevent someone from 'sploding?
A chorus of conventional bombs blows up along the lower left side of the car in a deafening harmony with a twin set along the top right. This immediately sends the Oily Thunder into a barrel roll. Rotating 50 times per second is a h*ckuva headrush, but Velocipede had trained for this for literal days. At this point, his instincts are so strong that every time he faints immediately, muscle memory bashes his head against the NUKE button.
And as the Khylokian Literal Atom Bomb That Propels Ships blows up, an unconscious Velocipede Excelsior rides the wave towards sure victory.
Step 2: Space Seaweed
Velocipede Excelsior wakes up with his left side entirely shattered, his eyes crimson with broken blood vessels, and no other ships in sight. Whether it's because he's so far in the lead or so coated in kelp, who can say? Probably both, really. He's great.
But he'll have to maintain that lead. And right now, he's stationary. Luckily, he has a plan for just such a situation.
"They don't call it the Oily Thunder for nothing!" he grins, and he presses the OIL SLICK button. Immediately, like the car coats itself in an oily coating like a hagfish in mucus. "And now to slip out. That was the Oily. Here's the Thunder."
Some more bombs. Another nuke. And another loss of consciousness. No more injuries though, because the kelp did slow the barrel rollNow, whether it was raw skill, the impact of a nuke, or some kelp trawling kind soul who dragged the unconscious Excelsior from the maze, who can say? It was probably skill though..
Step 3: Glix Diplomacy
Honestly, if there were any sign of other racers, Velocipede would try cutting it closer, but they must all still be so far behind, so a few bombs in front of the Oily Thunder slow him down enough to just cruise through Parrot's Perch like a low flying ISS but instead a car. It was super cool.
Step 4: ZOOM
Velocipede Excelsior waits until well past Glix space, and then presses the ZOOM button. More barrel rolls (modified on the spot to be less bone breakingly fast, since it worked back at the kelp), more nukes. It was mad expensive, but let's be real: riding the shockwave of a big old bigbomb is fast. And even without knowing he was behind, our homeboi begins to catch up.
Step 5
: A Ring Of Blood
Velocipede Excelsior has a plan. Using Khylokian engines means that the nasty little guys (complimentary) will treat him as one of their own. And the plan works!
Which doesn't help out at all.
Harried and attacked by the nasty little guys (derogatory), the Oily Thunder jutters through the checkpoint-- increasingly speedy, reasons Velocipede, since every hole in it surely increases aerodynamism. The only saving grace of the sector is that the blood was no big deal. After all, what kind of car doesn't have windshield wipers?
Step 6: A Pit Stop
Okay, sheesh, this is getting extreme. Does anyone realize it's like a warzone out here? When he gets back, Velocipede'll tell the organizers so they can reroute everyone else. It's a good thing he's so far ahead.
Wait. What on Sansargeddit?? There's another ship nearishby. A ping on a sensor display thing that the pit crew had put in but that a real racer didn't need to use so he'd ignored it until now. Is there somehow someone else so far up ahead of the rest of the racers? On some forsaken planetoid for some reason? Well now he's gotta investigate.
A whole lot of conventional bombs later (hm, running low) and Excelsior's cruising around some nothing rock in the middle of a belt of nothing rocks. And soon enough, there's a ship up ahead. While some kinda comet burns ever brighter in the sky, Ani-Quin is down here dealing with some sorta mechanical issue. Velocipede knows exactly what to do.
The Oily Thunder pulls up next to the panicked racer, and the hood opens. Throwing a (broken, AGH!) arm over the side, Velocipede leans over at his rival and only potential equal in the race.
"Having a little trouble there?"