Redemption: The Preludes (IC post)

[PixCO]

Yopine Quietclock

---

Yopine accepted that with a nod, wheels of her own spinning within her mind. The contact would know them, but they wouldn't know the contact. That person was doing everything possible to keep this quiet so they shouldn't expect any interference. Unfortunately, obscurity made for poor security. This would be safer if they had a way to know the Right Person had found them, but that might not be possible.

Codes and secrets were Dillworthy's bread and butter. If there was a way to get a challenge-response set of phrases to their contact without anyone else intercepting it, he'd figure it out. If not then Yopine would just have to assume the mission wasn't more than they could handle and watch carefully for frayed knots.

"So not a trap. Just something so dangerous it smells like a trap, with the potential for someone to add a trap if they were quick enough to spot us first. Not exactly comforting information, but an important difference anyway. Good to know."

 

[Rumrunner]

Rillik d'Sivis

---

Her eyes were like a metronome, ticking back and forth watching Mr. Dillworthy as he paced. She didn't know him, but to her, commanding officers were not supposed to show concern like this, they were supposed to be decisive and calm only displaying stress by the fingers of whisky in their glass. This Harengon venting his concerns to his subordinates was unsettling the soldier enough to make her shift in her seat. It was so unlike anything she was used to, how was she supposed to react here? Who talked this much and said nothing of substance or consequence? They would have done as well knowing none of those things, wouldn't they? Looking to Yopine in askance, she could see the deep gnome was already adrift in her own thoughts, having caught the Harengon's concern like a contageon. Their relationship was clearly not the same as her and Ferranti's. Her and Ferranti spent time in quiet company playing tiles or stones, or in content silence as they read or studied a mission dossier... well unless he was debriefing or giving orders. Ferranti would have just handed them the envelope and said "Cockleburr Inn", then dismissed them, with the information they needed inside.

Carefully she produced a small parcel wrapped in wax cloth from a pocket and slid it over to Basil and then lay beside it a tiny pouch of herbs. "Its some taunth we picked up and sleepy tea we bought at the market. You look like you could use it, and you're right on two accounts." She got up and grabbed her things.. "First, no Major Ferranti isn't a talker like you. Second that he trusts me the most, and he knows I would die before letting him down. So don't worry, you have the right people on the job. Let's go QC."

 

[Varen Tai]

"Wait," Basil called, a suddenly almost-embarrassed look on his face. "Before you go, I... think I've figured out a way to verify my friend, at least. Any messengers he sends won't recognize this, but he will. The code is, 'A hairy herb.' You will never speak of this again anywhere but there, and there, only once. If he can explain it clearly in a way that you know he knows me, then it's him."

Then he reached out and took the parcel. "Thank you, my dear. I think I might use them." He sighed and stood, looking at them both, ears drooping. "Anything else I can answer for you before I retire?"

[PixCO]

Yopine Quietclock

---

"No, I think we're good." She was already on Rillik's heels as they made their exit. "Go get some sleep, boss. I'll send a status update when our contact says it's safe. We got this."

For some reason, Yopine was then in a hurry to get out of the building. It became clear once back onto the city streets and she almost burst out in laughter. It hadn't been easy holding that back watching Rillik dress the old guy down.

"Just so you know, there aren't many people who can shut that guy down like you did. He tends to just lecture his way through things and bury people in an avalanche of syllables. Which I guess is what happens when you fight using words and ideas rather than, you know, actual weapons. I'm impressed."

[Rumrunner]

Rillik d'Sivis

---

Grinning awkwardly at Yopine's praise, her hair swayed as she shook her head in denial. "No, I didn't mean to. I just spoke the truth and gave him something to calm his nerves... and maybe put in his mouth to keep him from talking anymore." Then she shrugged "In our training we dealt with commanding officers yelling in your face so much you could feel the heat of their breath and their spittle, but you couldn't flinch. It helped build resiliency, you can't crumble under pressure in a conflict so better find who breaks before then. Beyond that you still need to be able to focus and pick out useful information as needed, and respond back clearly." Her face scrunched a bit thinking of it and she gave a shiver as she walked.

"Not the same as Mr. Dillworthy's cutting way of talking... I wouldn't call it an avalanche so much as a thousand needles, or cuts. You'd never win in words, I really didn't mean to talk back. I just wanted him to know whatever was to come was in capable hands. I guess I'm also used to dealing with not enough information." The gnome soldier had never been great with social situations or picking up on cues, but Yopine's laughter was infectious. "Maybe open that envelope as we walk? Who knows what we'll be getting into once there, this may be the most private. Do you know anything about this Cockleburr place?"

 

[PixCO]

Yopine Quietclock

---

Yopine's expression darkened as Rillik talked. Apparently she hadn't screwed something up in her life and was now paying off old sins, meaning Rillik didn't know who she was working with. That needed to be corrected immediately.

"The envelope can wait a minute. We need to talk first." She sighed heavily. "I think me and you maybe have very different histories. Before I worked for Basil I was a Rat Catcher for The Guild."

There was a pause before continuing. "That's why I admitted I might have been an assassin in a different life. Almost every one of them started off this way. I've hurt people, Rillik. People who didn't deserve it. I'm a better person now than I was then thanks to him. It doesn't take away what I've done, though. But you deserve to know who's standing next to you right now."

There was another pause, this time with her eyes gently closing in shame. Her voice was very quiet when she spoke next.

"I murdered someone, Rillik. Not in self-defense. In cold blood. You need to know..."

[Rumrunner]

Rillik d'Sivis

---

Rillik stopped in her tracks and looked Yopine up and down sternly. "No Yopine. No, I don't. Do you think I asked for a list of possible atrocities from soldiers I've worked with? I have enough trouble sleeping at night already. I've been responsible for the deaths of I don't know how many because of what? Lines on a map. That's it, and I wallowed in that a long while, but now I'm doing good things, so no looking back, ya? You're not worried that you're going to hurt me are you? Are there people after you that I should be aware of?" She tipped the deep gnome's chin up and smiled softly, as she lowered her own head and looked up at her. "No stabbing me okay?"

 

[PixCO]

Yopine Quietclock

---

"Okay. No stabbing." Her mood eased. Maybe they weren't so different after all. "I'm just trying out this new thing where I'm honest with my friends. I didn't want you to think I was hiding anything."

She nodded and thought, but didn't find anything more to say on the subject. The envelope came out now so they could examine its contents while they walked.

"As for the Clockelburr Inn? My dad installed a lighting system for their stage a few years back. It looked like a nice place, and I think they're still booking fun acts these days.

 

[Rumrunner]

Rillik d'Sivis

---

Rillik shot her a mischievous grin. "Awww... now I don't get to interrogate you... you win this round QC." A habit, make light of hardship, that was the way. "...if you ever want to talk though, I can listen, but don't think you ever need to for my sake." She didn't look at Yopine as they walked, instead her eyes were starring dead ahead and focused on nothing, doing their best not to entertain the ghosts of the past.

She slowed as she heard the envelope open, glancing down so she could see the contents. "Well, that sounds alright. Strange name though."

 

[PixCO]

Yopine Quietclock

---

"Clockleburr? I just call it that because of the work my dad put in. He was proud of it, and the Cockleburr relies on performances to bring in a lot of business. I'll show you what I mean when we get there."

 

[Varen Tai]

As the two girls talked, the sparks flew between them. When they left the room to shop and get to know each other more, the sparks faded. But I found myself curious, curious to see what they would do, where they would go, and to see if anything that day would show why they were both Fated. I felt no draw, no stirrings of Fate. I went merely to watch, because I was curious.

Did you know that I had not been curious for the pure sake of curiosity in a very long time? As I realized in a rush that I wanted to follow, not for some gain or a leg up in the grand game of power that I play, but for pure curiosity, I realized also that I was not happy. Isn’t that strange? I had incredible power, politically, magically, and in every other way, yet I was not happy. And what’s more, I had no idea why I was not happy.

I performed an experiment once. I used my influence to lead an unhappy peasant to a large treasure, to see if an increase in money would improve his life. It did not. He became an unhappy rich person, but whereas before, he would take out his unhappiness on his family, he now was able to take out his unhappiness on a much larger number of people. He ran a merchant company, and was a miserably wealthy tyrant until one day one of his ex-employees killed him. So what did all of his wealth avail him?

I catalogued my thoughts on this experiment, never dreaming that I may have been caught in the same trap this man was. No, I was above it all, immune to the vices that the little people struggled with, perhaps beyond Fate itself. It is a terrible arrogance to assume that you are above others, yet we players do it instinctively. After all, none of the pawns that we move around our boards have anywhere near our power, so why wouldn’t we be greater? In our own way, aren’t we gods? Aren’t I a god? After all, I am talking to you right now. Is that not demonstration enough?

But maybe not.

I am not sure who I am anymore.

I am not sure I know why I even talk to you. Perhaps it is nice to talk to someone who does not know me as Master. Any of my servants would listen, but I find a value in talking to someone else, someone who does not consider it a duty to listen.

I cannot help you, you know. Even you are beyond my considerable power.

Does it get lonely? Without anyone to converse with? I talk, but you cannot answer. I feel lonely myself sometimes, when I stop long enough to allow myself to feel it. Maybe I feel lonely all the time and I just don’t let myself know it.

If being a god is this lonely, I am suddenly not sure that I want it anymore.

You see, I think I followed the girls that day because they had a passion for life, the excitement of meeting someone new, connecting to them, running around the city together. The deep gnome, this city and locations were not new to her, but she found an excitement in sharing them with someone new, and that made those familiar things seem to shine with novelty. Is that a reason why I come and talk to you? I have my own needs, but also to see these events that I have turned over and over in my head and heart shared with someone else? Perhaps. 

The Twins both had passion in their lives - loyalty, connection, fierceness. But that passion also fueled anger. Is it unwise to chase anger? If so, I have been very unwise. I think anger has been my single driving purpose in my life. And what has it wrought for me? I look around and I see ashes.

I may have followed the wrong passion, and followed it for centuries. I have a passion for power. But perhaps... perhaps I do not have a passion for power, I have a lust for it. And I think they are different things.

I am unsure of many things these days, things that used to be so crystal clear to me are muddy. Maybe this is why I talk to you. Speaking helps me to clear away some of the mud.

Basil and the Twins had spoken of trust, and I find myself wondering who I can trust. So many would take advantage of me, take advantage of what I could give them if I allowed it. Many would try to destroy me if they could, especially... well... especially... him.

Perhaps you are someone I can trust.

So I followed, invisible and untouchable in my little pocket dimension, to be touched by the growing banter and friendship of the Twins. So many things I did then I did without knowing why, only knowing that I was drawn, that I was experiencing a different kind of hunger than my lust for power usually led me to feel. I had seen many friendships spark up over the years, and they all dulled for me. After a while, they all look the same, sound the same. But I watched not for the friendship, but for the passion and heart.

I think that is why Rillik d’Sivis was drawn to her dark skinned companion. Her military background, the loss of multiple people important to her in different ways, and her constant studies kept her apart from the relationships that might have sparked this passion for life, and she was hungry for it. Similarly, though Yopine was hungry for friendship, I wonder if she was also hungry on a deep level that perhaps she failed to  recognize for the stability she remembered having as a child, regardless of whether it was an illusion or not. And Rillik d’Savis had stability and reliability in spades.

Do not think that one’s contribution was greater than the other. A romantic might think that passion is more important than stability, but many romantic relationships with passion to spare have died because they lacked stability. I have seen many married couples who understood that they spend much more time being friends than lovers. Passion without stability and boundaries burns itself out and destroys anything it touches, but stability without passion leads to a desolate emotional landscape.

Those that follow me look to me for stability, and that I have given them. My power lust has always been very consistent. So I found myself just as attracted to the passion the rogue had to offer as the soldier was. 

I followed them to the Cockleburr Inn, again, having no real interest in anything but the curiosity I felt for the dynamics and to see how they played out. It happened that a talented bard, named Arin of the Silver Tongue, was performing that evening in the common room of the inn when they walked in. 

Rillik, who loved entertainment, storytelling, and other types of performances, was captivated immediately and told her new friend that she wanted to stay and listen. Yopine, who normally would skip such things as they aren’t fun without friends, followed suit immediately and sat down as well, finding herself enjoying the first performance since the fire, and perhaps before then.

Arin had just barely begun the haunting tragedy entitled The Fall of Jaelreth the Pure when they walked in. I had heard the story before, knew it well, but this time, searching for the passion of the moment with the Twins, it felt different. I confess, when the end was reached and the once noble paladin, fallen to evil, took his own life, I felt a grief touch me, not just for him, but for myself. His path downward resembled my own.

[PixCO]

Yopine Quietclock

---

Yopine was a little disappointed at the special effects. It meant they were only using stage lighting for fills and ambience when it was capable of much more. They weren't using any of the gels and the moving backdrop was just set to a pastoral green on which Arin would project imagery. She could also see the safety catch towards stage-left was still engaged, so none of the trap lighting was going to be used either.

The disappointment faded quickly with the excellence of the performance. She could brag about the gadgets some other time. It only would have detracted from Arin's performance. The normally fidgeting Yopine was able to sit quietly as the tale seized her attention and the time passed unnoticed. By the end she'd realized that maybe her dad's contributions weren't as responsible for the stage's success as she thought.

"You know?" She turned to Rillik as the final applause started to die off and people began to either leave for their rooms, the outside world, or just back into their cups, and spoke. "It turned out to be a pretty good day. Got a new mission to work on and a new dress to go with it. Met a new friend. And found out that I am actually still afraid to die. Which, after enough dark nights, is better news than people might expect. I say we finish things off with a toast and then call it a night before fate has a chance to flip on us. Sound good?"

[Rumrunner]

Rillik d'Sivis

---

She'd heard storytellers and see performances by troupes of players, sometimes shadow puppets were used, sometimes extravagant magics, but this was different.

The illusions and conjurations that were used were subtle, an echo of an intonation, the carrying of a whisper, the upward cast to shadows or extra grandeur to the flow of his sleeve with his gestures. She could not help but be taken by it, swept along with the emotion of the crowd's gasps and tears and applauding loudly at the end... but despite loving the performance she was pissed. "I can't believe he killed himself! Pull Garl's gemsack and call me a kobold, if that wasn't a coward's end. You fall you get up and make good, not run steel to throat because you can't own up..." She slugged back her drink, visibly shaken by the ordeal.

"What? Oh, yeah... It has been." She grinned embarrassed at getting so worked up over a story. "It's only a matter time for that for sure." Ordering another drink she toasted with Yopine and while her new friend's mouth was still full of spirits, the soldier replied. "Annnd, I still have to introduce you to my silver puss before this night's out." Rillik looked under the table and around the room.

"His name's Mist, I don't know where he's gotten too though... probably hunting rats"

 

[PixCO]

Yopine Quietclock

---

The Svirf had to pause mid-drink at what was normally an innuendo heard in the red light districts. Surely she didn't...

Yopine gulped her drink quickly and unconsciously slid her feet closer together when Rillik went under the table.

"Oh... You got a moggy?" There was a slight cough to her voice after the rough swallow. "Hopefully he's being careful. The rats around here sometimes fight back."

 

[Varen Tai]

I listened to the conversation and watched as each young lady retired. And then I went home and sat through the night, the words of Jaelreth’s soliloquy echoing in my mind.

“I am no man. Men feel love and compassion. But I do not feel these things any more. I have carved out my heart and left a black hole! How can I call myself a man? Though I have power to crush my enemies, though I can bring my hate to bear against those that oppose me, yet I am nothing. My heart is gone, my soul is gone, and I feel nothing. I have no sorrow, no guilt left in me, only an emptiness that I try and fill with pleasure and violence, greed and power. But none of it touches me.

“The black god I pray to gives me no solace! My dreams are black, my waking hours are black. I rule the night, but the night of my soul rules me. I no longer struggle with the demon in my heart, it has become me. I am no man. And for what?

“I remember the days of light. The light that I now curse and fight against, I once welcomed into my heart! But my pride, my black pride destroyed me. I thought I was better than those I led. My example of righteousness became a platform of judgment! Even when my god removed his blessing from me, I still fought! My pride would not let me accept that I was wrong.

“And look at me! Look at me!!! I have slain my own brother! For what? My pride! I have committed atrocities to make the heavens weep! And for what? My pride! And now, even that is taken from me, for I have nothing. I feel nothing. Only a black, burning hatred of everything I once was.

“I am no man. I am a monster.”

I am no man. I am a monster. Those words rang in my head. What was I? I was born a human. I had parents. But my family died so long ago I often have trouble remembering what they look like. I am no lich! No mockery of life! Though I have magically extended my life, though my chest still rises and falls like any man, yet I do not know what I am anymore.

What demons lie in my own heart? Demons that I should struggle with, but now they have become me? Am I a man? If that determination is solely made by one’s ability to feel, then perhaps I myself am more monster than man!

And who made me that way? Can I blame my parents for what I am over a millennium later? Everywhere I turn, all I can see is my question! That simple question no one can answer! Who determines my actions? Am I bound by the same coincidences and fate that I bind others with, or do I make my own path?

If I am not free, then I am angry at whomever bound me! The monstrous things I have done are their fault and not mine! But shifting responsibility for my actions brings me no satisfaction. This is no balm on my tormented soul.

If I am free, if I am responsible for what I have done… I cannot bear to think of it! For countless years, I have wrestled for power, I have done many things that others would consider evil, yet I justified it in the name of the grand game. I never questioned my path, I never pondered my place in eternity because I can extend my life forever! What means a judgment by the gods to me if I never die? I have denied myself that check on my actions. Mortals fear that day when they must be judged, but I have set myself up as Judge!

I sit, comfortable and untouchable in my power, and pass judgment on even the gods themselves? Does my arrogance know no bounds? Yet power I have! Doesn’t power give me the right to judge? The right! Kings pass judgment, courts and magistrates all exercise that power! I have more power than them all!

But what makes them different from Jaelreth, whose righteous example became a platform of judgment? What makes me more like Jaelreth than they are? They were granted their power through birthright or even the voice of the people. I think I usurped power. I took it through sorcery and manipulation, and in that action, I became more monster than man. Like the angry peasant I studied, I simply have a larger sphere of influence in which to spread my misery, but because I have more power, I judged him rather than the other way around. He and I… We are no different.

It would anger me if an ant like him were to judge me! How dare anyone judge me for what I have done! But the face I would see in the mirror would  judge me. That face I cannot escape. And in the deep night, when I am alone with myself, I see no difference between myself and Jaelreth. My pride, my black pride, has destroyed me.

I think I extend my life because I dread that final judgment. Power is an excuse. My experiments and philosophies are all excuses. If I am honest with myself, I see a coward, running from that day when the sum total of my long life is brought to light and those more powerful than I tell me the worth of my actions.

I would stand against the mightiest this world has to offer! The mightiest dragon, the strongest warrior, the most powerful mage! How can I be a coward? I can see into other planes! I have defeated demons, and the celestial hosts hold no terror for me! I am as a god! I stand, virtually unchallenged and unchecked by any strength!

And yet, I am a coward. The final measure of a coward is how they face themselves. I fear none of these other beings. And if I do not fear them, how can standing against them be called courage? Yet my own fears, these fears that consume me… Against these I cannot stand. Courage is not measured by the lack of fear, it is measured by your actions when it is present. In my quest to fear nothing, I have fallen prey to fear itself.

I have no mirrors in my house.

I, who fear no living or undead thing, am a coward, for I cannot face myself.

And worst of all, because I have not faced myself, I have judged others, played the petty game of power we all play, and made others pay the price that I myself refuse to pay.

I am no man. I am a monster.

END OF PART TWO