The Stew of Tiamat

[Dodgeson]

On the outside Vesper was still the picture of composure as he wiped the ooze off of his face with one gloved hand, a rapid series of blinks trying to clear the burning sensation in his elven eyes even as they started to water, and produced another hankerchief from his top pocket to do likewise for his glasses. On the inside however he was rather mortified, being slapped in the face was hardly dignified and what's more, it hurt!

He wasn't one to trouble his newfound companions with such trifling matters though and as luck would have it, the Ramenooze might have been the problem but it had also provided the solution. He had seen the creature channel the healing power of ramen to aid Akimbold and he had something far more potent than mere noodles.

Sliding his glasses back up on to the bridge of his nose, Vesper tucked his hankerchief back in to his pocket from whence it came and straightened back up again, allowing the healing magic raw essence of butlerling to flow through him. He might have been injured but it simply wasn't his place to complain about it after all.

OOC

Initiative Slot 3: Essence Du Maître Spending 10 MP targeting himself to recover 30 HP

 

Edited May 3 by Dodgeson (see edit history)

[Zelphas]

Eleanora caught her balance and then blinked, looking at the Ramenooze with growing concern. "Aw, buddy, are ya feelin' a little overheated?" She said with mild concern, then began to smile again. "Well, this ting's pretty good at numbin' stuff! Why don't ya give it a try?" Stretching out her hand, Eleanora offers the Ramenooze the Blightrock Apple, certain that there are no flaws in this plan.

 

(Accidentally) Attack the Ramenooze with the Blightrock Apple (WLP+WLP, HR+6 Damage)

[Ridai]

Before Akimbold can answer, he is engulfed in fire. This is far too much for his spoon and his remaining two hit points, one for each leg, and the party sees a small kobold shape entirely wreathed in fire fly backwards with an echoing "OOOUUUAAAH!" and land back on the backwards-wasabi-propelled Ramenooze. When the fires sizzle out in the waters, Akimbold lies on the slime, thoroughly blackened, crispy, smoke rising from him. Eyes spinning, hands and legs raised in the air and twitching. Both spoon and fedora have been claimed by the flames.

At just about the same time, the Kobold Krew yells "No bully Cap'n!" and with newfound power, one of them fan-slaps Vesper right on the head, officially making these kobolds the most effective fan fighting force known to koboldkind. They cheer again, looking to Akimbold: "Cap'n, Cap'n! You see we- NOOO, CAP'N!" The shocked kobolds watch smoky, twitchy Akimbold get raced around the Ramena Bowl by Ramenooze Voyages. They quickly get shocked out of their, uh, shock by way of spoon applied with extreme prejudice.

Using his newfound insights, Vesper channels the power inherent in his ancient, venerable profession to activate his Butling Spirit. Smudges are removed, glasses cleaned, clothes and gloves righted, leaving Vesper in nearly peak condition. Such are the realities of the adventuring life, where a butler staying immaculate is hard work indeed. However, having unlocked the secret of channeling his butlery energies has awakened a deeper understanding of his craft. Thus, as Vesper adjusts his gloves, any and all dirt simply evaporates off them, and they shine in the purest white, never to be tarnished, never to leave unsightly smudges.

Eleanora offers shiny apple rock candy to the Ramenooze, which is still in the process of involuntary dragon impersonation. Now simply handing it to the slime is difficult, giving its highly exothermal condition, but that's nothing that can't be solved with a good ol' toss! Lobbing the Blightrock Apple into the Ramenooze's mouth with a sure hand (any real Priestess of Life has a good throwing arm for medicine coupled with a decent hit rate for allies' faces, after all!) does briefly make the slime fire cease. The slime noms on it for a while with teary eyes, looking like it is finally getting some relief from triple wasabi hell.

However, the next moment, it is looking rather shocked, followed by its face taking a more yellow color and "cheeks" puffing out a lot. It is looking increasingly ill and quivering, before (with a particularly weak and wobbly "pwih...") it exhales one last puff of flame, followed by a green cloud with an awful smell that stings mightily in the nostrils. The Blightrock Apple lands back in the boat, covered in slime. As for the Ramenooze itself, it is now drifting aimlessly in the Ramena waters, no longer wanting to do anything on account of feeling rather under the weather now.

With that, the battle is won, as the Kobold Krew can do little more than scramble up the ropes and hopefully out of reach of the angry Stewbot and its spoon.

PLATES CLEANED!

Chefs of the Round Win!

The Ramena Bowl has filled up entirely, any excess flowing through holes in the edges back into the underground. The trees close their mouths again, ceasing the boiling outpour, the water finally becoming still. The bowl-boat floats over to the wooden platforms, the party finally having more solid ground beneath their feet (ignore the add creaking). The kobold village has grown mostly quiet, lanterns have been lit now that the sun has set, the moons starting to rise above. A few of them are still roasting snacks on the few leftover burning ropes, but they are transitioning into getting hot water out of the Ramena Bowl and into their cauldrons. In the distance, you can see kobold porters carrying some more boxes and barrels into the askew palace.

Transition to a somewhat less sooty, but more soggy Akimbold formally kneeling in front of the party in a way pretty familiar to Santokumaru, hands in lap, back upright, and looking as dignified as a very burned-looking kobold can. His Kobold Krew tried to clean some of the smudges earlier (including dumping water on him), with limited success, before they were told to sit down by their Cap'n. They followed the order and now are sitting some distance behind him, on their bums.

The dazed Ramenooze is floating in the water in the background. The village is now nice and warm, with a fresh breeze from the forest.

"You spared my Krew and the Ramenooze," Akimbold says, each word accompanied by a small black puff from his snout. He glances at the floating slime, which is looking somewhat deflated ("pwih..."). "...mostly. You said you are not Haxenspargilis' servants, and you have proven your honor and skill in combat." The Cap'n is speaking especially to Santokumaru, but includes the whole party. The Ramenooze burps a small green cloud. The Krew glares at the snack-stealing Tourna as honor is mentioned. "...mostly."

"Thus, I shall answer your questions. But know that I am sworn to the Munchking." The Krew is sneaking in snacks. They make sure Tourna doesn't get any.

 

Serving 5 resolution

Santokumaru uses the Inventory action to use a Fire Elemental Shard on Cap'n Akimbold, hitting his Fire weakness for 20 fire damage, defeating him!

The Kobold Krew attacks Vesper with Fan Slap!, melee, targeting Def, hitting for 12 physical damage, putting Vesper into Crisis!

Vesper casts Essence Du Maître on himself, recovering 30 HP! Vesper is no longer in Crisis!

Eleanora attacks the Ramenooze using the Blightrock Apple, hitting its Poison weakness for 28 poison damage, defeating it!

Tourna attacks the Kobold Krew using its spoon, hitting for 15 physical damage, putting it into Crisis!

The fight ends!

OOC

Vesper's White Gloves have been awakened by his Butling Spirit! They have become:

Pristine White Gloves (2h Brawling, melee, [DEX+INS]+2, HR+7 light. +2 Def, counts as shield. Never dirty.)

(You still have your regular White Gloves as well, as I assume Vesper has spares.)

 

Edited May 4 by Ridai (see edit history)

[Zashuan]

The flames on Gyuuto flicker and finally sputter out, as Santokumaru resheathes his blades in the enormous knife block buckled to his back. He mutters a few words of gratitude under his breath to the spirits of Honyaki, thanking them that this match was cut short before anyone could be truly injured.

"I am Santokumaru, swordsman of Honyaki. My companions and I travel in spite of the terrible dragon, not to abet his wickedness, but to save the hostage he has taken." Santokumaru bows before Akimbold, as a sign of respect. "Your skill is fearsome, and were it not for the severing of your ropes, you may very well have been the victor. Please, tell us of your Munchking, and why they need protection. Perhaps our goals can intersect, rather than cut in twain."

[Ridai]

"Kobold Munchking Sdroodl is Munchking of all kobolds. Of Burokori Forest. You only have a king, probably with a normal crown, so I'm not surprised you don't know, but the Munchking has the Munchking Crown-Hat. Making them the Munchking. According to Munchking Sdroodl, it's kobold tradition, since He's the first Munchking." There is an awkward pause. The Krew nod in unison. Akimbold has the look of partial stoicism, as the other part is sounding less than enthused about said tradition.

"So we protect the Munchking, especially since He decreed *sigh* Royal Bakey Time. So Munchking Sdroodl sent us out to gather all the Super Tasty Apples for the Royal Sdroodl, for which He is preparing the dough at present. His Munchness said it will give Him the courage to navigate the currents of our uncertain future." The Krew nod again. And sneaking in more snacks under the distraction of nodding.

Our party of heroes is quite sure that the last sentence was not so much a direct quote as rather Akimbold's more... sophisticated interpretation.

[Llyarden]

Tourna let out a sharp whistle that sounded very much like a 'hmph!' at the glares from the Kobold Krew, but fundamentally it had other things on its mind, leaving the humans to talk about boring political things, scuttling over to the lakeshore and rummaging through its storage until it found some marshmallows that it definitely hadn't pilfered from the Kobold Krew. Something sweet wasn't exactly a perfect solution to nausea, but at least they had a relatively bland taste (helped by a few random herbs that Tourna had pulled out of its storage and crushed over them) that might make the unfortunate ooze feel a little better.

Of course, exactly how it was going to get the marshmallows over to the Ramenooze it hadn't quite worked out yet, so for now it was just sort of walking back and forth at the lakeside, occasionally pausing and chirruping to itself.

(The Kobold Krew were not going to get any apology snacks. They'd caused it to lose its precious triple-reduced wasabi!)

[Zashuan]

Santokumaru listens to Akimbold attentively. He's not often the most astute observer of others' emotions, but Akimbold's weary sort of displeasure at the mention of the Munchking's newfound "tradition" and "Royal Bakey Time" signals a cut between the captain and the Munchking's ambitions. Like a small crack in a coconut waiting to be carved, Santokumaru thought he saw an opening.

"Forgive me if I speak too plainly, Sir Akimbold," Santokumaru says, with the utmost respect, as usual. "It would seem that while you and your Krew fight valiantly to protect this Munchking Sdroodl -- no one would dare contest your bravery, nor your skill -- perhaps the Munchking's decree has caused you no small measure of difficulty."

"If there is something I can do to aid your plight, do not hesitate to speak." Santokumaru unbuckles his knife block (softly; it doesn't come off as violent), swings it around in front of him, and holds it to his chest, like a salute. "After witnessing your prowess, I know we are Sworn Brothers of Silverware. Speak your mind, and perhaps we might help each other in our endeavors."

[Ridai]

"Enduring hardship in service of one's Munchking is part of the way of the Spoonsman," Akimbold says at first (the Krew briefly stop what they are doing and appear to rethink their career choices, but only for a moment), but as Santokumaru continues, he says "...Well, I'm not sure why His Munchness needs... only the Super Tasty Apples, even after they stopped smelling like they did some weeks ago. And why He needs all of them. That is a lot of Royal Sdroodl."

The dazed Ramenooze floats randomly around the Ramena Bowl (is that a goo towel that formed on its head?), and does at one point come close enough for Tourna to toss the marshmallows into the slime's mouth. It weakly munches the treat, and while it isn't bouncing back in condition and mood, it does seem to feel a little better, looking less teary-eyed and a bit more naturally-red. Looking up, it wiggles as it munches, and after it swallows, its big gooey tongue slaps against the little Stewbot's entire frontside in a haphazard appreciative lick. Which actually makes Tourna feel better in return!

The Krew is pointedly looking away and munching their own snacks. Though one of them peeks at Tourna and its marshmallows out of the corner of a barely opened eye.

OOC

The Ramenooze uses Itadakidance on Tourna, healing it to full.

 

[Zelphas]

Eleanora picked up the Blightrock Apple delicately with two fingers, using a blue panel from her robe to clean off the... excess on it. "Ah... hm. Sorry 'bout that," she says apologetically, looking at the distressed Ramenooze. "It was slightly more poisonous than I thought, I guess..."

---

Santokumaru seems to have been dealing with the negotiations fairly well so far. Eleanora claps her hands once, her million-watt grin once more flashing across her face. "Well, it seems'ta me that we need ta have a talk with this Munchking a'yores," she declares cheerily. "I'm sure we c'n negotiate summa those apples away from him, if we try our darndest!"

OOC

Officially moving the Blightrock Apple to Eleanora's inventory, if that's all right.

 

[Llyarden]

Tourna chirruped happily at the lick and reached out with one tendril to pat the Ramenooze on the...head? Body? It had made a friend! This was a good day!

Still, it had a mission to do, so after a few moments it waved good-bye to the Ramenooze and came scampering back to the rest of the party. Still pointedly ignoring the Kobold Krew, it whistled curiously at the mention of the apples changing their smell. Maybe it could make a smell-changing stew out of them!

[Dodgeson]

"My word..." Vesper was still marvelling over the pristine nature of his newly awakened gloves but when he looked up again he was happy to see that cooler heads have prevailed.

"It seems we may have met in less than ideal circumstances Sir Akimbold, Vesper Douceur at your service." He introduced himself to the Spoonsman (Spoonsbold?) with a boy "And I do believe Lady Eleanora has the right idea, an audience with the Munchking is in order."

Vesper gave a smile and a nod in the cleric's direction wanting to give credit where it was due, it was a splendid idea after all and he was never going to say no to chance to meet with royalty even if it was a 'Munchking'.

[Ridai]

Tourna's inquisitive noise has the Cap'n look at the party for clarification, but when none is forthcoming, he says "You mean... the smell? We could smell it over a long distance, always just a little bit. It was very sweet and would stick in your nose all day. Now, they only smell from close-by, and they smell... fresher? Very strange. Some humans also wandered around in the forest some weeks ago. That happens sometimes. They beat up some kobolds strolling about, but didn't come to the Ramena Bowl, otherwise I would have let them have a taste of my Spoony Arts. They did go to the Super Tasty Apple Tree. That's pretty normal, though, humans sometimes go there. They seem to take some apples home, but never come back for seconds, so I guess humans just don't appreciate a Super Tasty Apple." There is some snickering from the Krew, and the party gets the distinct feeling it's along the lines of "oh those silly humans and their trash taste in apples".

"W-well met," Akimbold says in response to Vesper's introduction, unsure how to respond.

Given the party wishes to see the Munchking, the spoonsbold sighs and rises. "Very well. I doubt the Munchking would like to see you in His court, but you fought with honor and wish to negotiate. Follow me." Akimbold leads the party towards the palace, the Krew waddling along nearby.

On the way, Akimbold fills the time, gesturing to the royal building. "Munchking Sdroodl is the greatest of our cooks and is very discerning in His choice of utensils. I carved a new stove and oven just recently to His precise specifications, as only a properly-built Cabooseculus would facilitate *sigh* Royal Bakey Time. His Munchness is also our greatest builder." Given how averse to right angles every single building in this tree house village appears to be, this may not be the highest imaginable form of praise. Then again, for something this haphazard-looking to hold together and also manage networks of bridges and an elevator (if not for the faint of heart), there has to be some kind of talent. Or secret inherent kobold magic keeping everything from collapsing through not knowing this isn't how physics are supposed to work.

They enter the palace, immediately standing in a big hall built against the trunk of a massive tree and on top of its equally sizeable branches. It has everything a throne room should have:

• Royal guards? Check! (The two kobolds wearing buckets for helmets and wielding rolling pins for weapons make way as Cap'n Akimbold leads the party inside.)
• Royal art? Check! (There are at least four depictions of Munchking Sdroodl, all of which are competing in how off-model they can get and how big they can make the Royal Crown-Hat. The paintings have been created with the enthusiasm of a toddler in the throes of sugar rush and armed with endless crayons, while the statues were carved with precision while meeting increasingly outrageous demands from the client. Akimbold shields his eyes from the latter.)
• Royal red carpet? Check! (The kobolds have painted a wide strip of floor red, and if you squint, it is even kind of straight!)
• Royal throne? Check! (There is a hilariously big wooden throne on a raised level, its backrest many meters tall and looming over everything in front of it, partially because it is constantly leaning forward. It is so large that a smaller throne has been installed on it, which looks more like the kobold variant of a couch with snack trays.)
• Royal kitchen? Check! (I mean, what self-respecting throne room doesn't have a massive stove stacked on top of an even bigger bulbous oven, with mechanical arms operated by kobold crews to roll and stretch huge sheets of dough? The whole thing is at least two storeys tall, with winding stairs and ladders and ropes leading up and down, all of which are used by kobold assistant cooks.)
• Royal giant pile of the best green apples the party has ever seen? Check! (They have seen the depiction in Anise's book before, but even if they had not, there is absolutely no doubt in their minds that these are Emeraldia, Apples of [Former] Blight. They also feel their mouths watering.)

Akimbold leads the party along the red painted carpeted floor, to the foot of the stairs leading up to the throne level. The oven's arms are currently being operated to carefully stretch a hilariously big sheet of dough to be as thin as the chef desires it to be. Kobolds are rushing back and forth, transporting ingredients, fetching utensils, or just generally running around because everyone is busy and all the running has to be good for something!

"My Munchking Sdroodl, I bring a delegation of the humans seeking an audi-" Akimbold begins to call up to the top of the vertical kitchen. Fire light shines out of the round opening in the wide-bellied oven, and the heat appears to be channeled upwards to the stove as well. The party can see a big wok-like pan getting shaken vigorously by multiple kobolds in unison (one even jumping up and down on the handle), browning breadcrumbs (judging by what keeps getting tossed high up in the air every now and then).

A red tablecloth cape wearing kobold appears at the railing next to the stove. Or rather, a giant wizard hat with a kobold beneath. The hat is bright red, easily taller than the kobold itself, its floppy brim wider than the wearer is, and a very chunkily woodcarved and garishly painted crown has been put around the bottom of the central part. Between the crown and the drooping tip of the Crown-Hat, the party can just barely see glittering letters having been sown in a winding pattern going around from top to bottom, spelling "MONHSKEENG".

"What, hoomans?! Why you bring hoomans?! Told to biff hoomans! On heads! Biffs on head makes hoomans go away and no stomp in Royal Bakey Time with pokeysticks!" Munchking Sdroodl yells down, fist raised up and shaking as he leans over the railing, once pushing the Royal Crown-Hat back up when it is threatening to slip from all the Royal Indignation of Interrupted Royal Bakey Time.

"Ah, um, yes, I did, ah, distribute biffings to protect the *sigh* Royal Bakey Time, Your Munchness. However, they merely wish to negotiate for some of the Super Tasty Apples-" Akimbold tries to explain.

Munchking Sdroodl now also begins to jump in place with increasing Royal Peevedness. "No negoshate for Super Tasty Apples! Super Tasty Apples for bakey sdroodl! No boring sdroodl! Best sdroodl! Superduper beegly sdroodl! Need all to make beeg for feelgood and Haxyspargly gift!" The louder yelling makes the kobolds working the pan jump, leading to them scrambling to catch the breadcrumbs catapulted upwards in the pan again.

"Yes, Your Munchness, I am aware that you require it to-" Akimbold stops mid-sentence as something begins to process. "Wait, what gift? Haxenspargilis?! But that is the dragon!"

Munchking Sdroodl hits the railing with his royal scepter (read: a rolling pin painted bright yellow, the color of royalty) in impatience. "Yeah, dragyn! You get biffed on head? Too beeg Superduper sdroodl for just Sdroodl!" The Munchking looks to the party. "Now go away, no nabby Super Tasty Apples to gift to Haxyspargly. Me gift first! As Superduper sdroodl!"

Akimbold seems at a loss for words. He also appears to be vibrating in place over his Munchking having kept him in the dark about the true purpose of Royal Bakey Time (whether or not the quantity of the Superduper sdroodl should have tipped him off).

Whatever the party is planning, it appears they have their work cut out for them.

[Zashuan]

As Akimbold leads the party through what might be called the Munchking's "castle," Santokumaru can't help but be impressed by the craftsmanship, even with the shoddy aesthetic. He wonders to himself if Sdroodl would enjoy a poem that dramatizes his bravery, but then he sees the portraits and the sculptures, and thinks that Sdroodl seems like more of a "visual arts" kind of person.

Santokumaru listens as Akimbold and Sdroodl bicker back and forth. Sdroodl's mention of a gift for Haxenspargilis is surprising, especially when Akimbold was so spiteful of that very same notion, just minutes before. Based on Akimbold's reaction, however, it's clear that this turn of events is news to the kobold captain as well.

"Pardon our intrusion, O Wise and Wondrous Munchking, in all your Magnanimous... Munchiness," Santokumaru says with a bow, hoping that's enough honorifics to keep the king's fragile attention. "Has Haxenspargilis asked you for a gift? We were under the impression that he was an aggressor to your fair kingdom, not an ally. What advantage do you hope to gain with this gift, O Cunning and Clever Munchking, Emperor of Burokori and All Who Dwell Here."

[Ridai]

"Akimbold, da hooman say many weird words dat sound good! Are they good words!" Sdroodl yells down at the Cap'n, pushing his Crown-Hat back into place with his kitchen scepter.

"Yes, Your Munchness, he says you are very cool," Akimbold answers through gritted teeth.

"Good! Am very cool! Superduper sdroodl also very cool! Haxyspargly no looky at kobolds, but think kobolds very cool if gift Superduper sdroodl, make minions! Everyone bully kobolds, kick around kobolds, chase kobolds out of home! Hoomans call kobolds trash, send childs with pointy sticks to poke kobolds! No more everyone bully kobolds when dragyn think we very cool!" Sdroodl accusingly pokes his yellow rolling pin at the party for good measure.

"But then the dragon will bully us! We-"

"But no hoomans kids!"

"...we can be strong, I am training our-"

"You stronk 'cause you weird! When kobolds do snacky time, you swing spoon and put on hat and learn beeg words!"

Akimbold seems to vibrate at increasing frequencies.

[Zashuan]

Sensing an opportunity, Santokumaru bows once more to Sdroodl, and tries to adjust his register this time. "Er... Mohnskeeng Sdroodl very, very cool. Beeg stronk. Much stronker than hoomans. Hooman give Sdroodl many thanks, for listening. Hoomans talk with Akimbold now, so please enjoy your, uh, Royal Bakey Time."

Before Akimbold's irate trembling can boil over, Santokumaru takes him aside with the rest of the party into one of the corridors from before. He speaks to Akimbold in quieter tones than before, as one of Sdroodl's garish portraits looks on.

"Forgive me if I speak too plainly, Sir Akimbold, but it would seem your Munchking has decided to submit to the dragon, and plans to position the kobolds of Burokori accordingly. Like you, I find this distasteful; from what I have seen of Haxenspargilis, I can only imagine the reign of terror he would inflict on your clan. Only by standing together, can the realms of this land fend off this threat. The kobolds need a leader that they respect, admire, and trust, one that would stand up to the dragon's intimidation. Is there any chance that you might be that leader?"

"In Honyaki, when an elder challenges another for leadership, we abide neither trickery no bloodshed. Instead, we put it to a contest of skill, in the culinary arts. If you were to challenge your Munchking, know that I would stand beside you."